Becoming You: Inventory and Self Assessment

The new Bail Yourself Out podcast is hosted by Kandice Whitaker, a successful entrepreneur, and specialist in navigating corporate culture. With a fresh new approach to maximizing optimal career moves - the Bail Yourself Out podcast is where the power lunch and the after-work happy hour intersect for dynamic business discussions in a relaxed atmosphere.
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Season 2 Episode 3 - "Becoming You: Inventory and Self Assessment"
Continuation of - Becoming You Season 1 Episode 2
Guest Co-Host - Aaron Lloyd

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www.linktr.ee/bailyourselfoutpod
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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 2:03 How are HBCU's different?
• 5:00 Internalized racism
• 8:47 Aaron's most important HBCU experience.
• 10:00 Accountibility
• 15:00 Self Assessment
• 20:03 Inquiring with other's about you
• 25:54 Self awareness
• 28:13 Communication styles by region
• 31:29 Weaponized manners
• 34:39 Equality in America
• 36:00 Being the only in a space
• 40:39 More the same than different

Transcript

Speaker: 0:00

Welcome to the BAIL Yourself Out Happy Hour Podcast, where each week we'll help you navigate the corporate jungle. Here's your host Kandice Whitaker is happy hour. I'm your coworker Kandice with a K pull up a chair and your favorite drink for the BAIL Yourself Out. Happy Hour is about to start now.

Kandice Whitaker: 0:21

There friends welcome back to the bail yourself. Happy Hour lounge. I'm your host speaker Career Coach Kandice with a k and I want to see you when being resilient is key to achieving the life you want. I can teach you how to use my bail yourself out resilience framework to activate resilience in your real life situations. In this episode, I've got a treat for you a fantastic guest hosts writer and co host my mic sounds nice. The one and only I read Lloyd is in the house. Get ready for some enlightening discussions as we continue our conversation from last season. If you remember becoming you this is a continuation of that conversation where we learned about Aaron's HBCU experience at Howard. And in this conversation, we dive into assessment and inventory. So together we're going to talk about questions like Well, do you know yourself? What are your strengths? What are your passions? What are your dreams inventory is the AI embed because understand what you have to work with, because it's central to resilience. So grab your favorite drink, settle into the happy hour lounge right after this break, the conversation is about to get even more exciting people where

Van Whitaker: 1:33

You're listening to Kandice with a k. And you got it. together, we'll learn how to bail yourself. Believe that you can accept change as a natural part of any process. I inventory your strengths, and the strengths available to you. Learn from your experience and the experience of others.

Kandice Whitaker: 1:55

Do you want me to speak at your next event hit me up at bail yourself out pod.com. Now back to the show. I mean, really talk about the sense of self, though, that you get from being a historically black college like I think there are universal positive that I've seen from every single person who had spent a good amount of time historically black college, your sense of self is different. Your sense of community is different. Thankfully, you know, my experience growing up in the AME Church, that was something that they always pushed like black people to community, that is always something that was very important to say, I mean, MIT mission. I didn't even know that, you know, it's just where we went on Sunday.

Aaron Lloyd: 2:41

I became more proud of my family being associated with AME Church when I got to Howard and I finally understood, and I saw, um, what is that AME Church in DC, the large metropolitan, Metropolitan, yes. You know, and and how important it was in history. And you're like, wow, you know, it made me feel proud. Like, wow, you know, ame churches historically have been right there in all black movements since the beginning. And when that's has been the heart of the movement, sidebar, that's what's so different about Black Lives Matter, right, because I think this is the first large movement that we've seen related to people of color that hasn't started in the church. Yeah, yes. And it's really, I think, began the conversations of people questioning the relevance of the church. But that's a whole different conversation for a different day. But like the foundation was the church. Yes, yes. And the good thing about that is it was a, it's a place that you can start from a grounded place that you can build a foundation from, because the church system already was a foundation. So now you can build the movement off of this foundation? And are you seeing with the BLM Movement, without that solid foundation, it's just much harder to build and it takes much longer to build doesn't mean you can't be effective, but it's clearly a benefit having that base of the church. And it's a good point, I hadn't really thought about it. But that really is the first secular movement in our history for people of color. It absolutely is. I'd recommend young people to check out both institutions, but the sense of self the sense of love, we used to have a picture in front of Frederick Douglass Hall of African continent in this big circle in front of Frederick Douglass. And do you know we would not walk on that spray paint? You might catch your eye Jimmy if you walked on it? Yeah, that's like self love, like respect of our history and your learning of self worth. And I didn't have that growing up. You know, I think when you live in America, all black people pick up some levels of self hatred, and it's just varying degrees of it. And some of us have it worse than others. But no one is immune from it because you're inundated in a typically white supremacist system where you're made to feel inferior. Howard was the place where I got to unpack and build and find worth in the black community and pride and understanding of my history and loving your brother just because he should brother. And I don't think I could have got that at Pratt. I wouldn't have got that about what to Syracuse. I just wouldn't have. It's a whole different vibe. And I think it's interesting that you talk about the indoctrination of growing up as a black kid in the United States, because it brought up a memory I haven't thought about in a very long time. I remember as a kid, maybe 12,11. The first time I really watched Roots, the OG version? Yes. I remember watching the scene where they had all the people like in chains sitting there in a boat sobbing, and I even said it out loud. are they crying? It's not so bad here. Wow. Wow. But you didn't know any better. You were a youngster. But that's what introductory indoctrination does. See? I didn't know. Yeah, no, there. I cosign and know what you say. Yeah, you know. And to be honest, again, this most people won't acknowledge this. But I think we all have those moments. I went to sable elementary school, I was the only other black student in elementary school was my sister in second grade. And they asked me, Why was I darker them. Some white kid. Kandice, I said, when God poured oil into the earth, we walked underneath it. And that's why we were darker. I said, this is fifth grade. Could you talk about self hatred? Or you didn't know any better? I know, I didn't. But this is where do you get this type of foolishness from? But from a system that inundates you what Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley and whatever the news, all the things that you just think are innocuous and they're not. Right. And you know, what, just by virtue of the fact that we can have this conversation openly about the things that we thought, before we knew better, says that we understand how ridiculous it is now, number one, but also, we're better. Yes, well heal. So you know, and healing, and grow, and healing. So all you can do, all the best anyone can do in any situation is learn from the things that have happened in your past. Yes. And try to see how you can be better. You know, I think it's unreasonable for anyone to be down on the mistakes that they've made in the past. You can't do anything about that change is constant. But along with the change, you also have to learn from the mistakes you've made. Speak on it. You know, you're right, you're right. But you know, that change and that growth, if you do it in a positive way, if you examine, well, why did I say these things? Why did I feel this way? That is beneficial, then it's a learning tool. And if you don't learn from it, you're missing an opportunity for growth? You know, like, Oh, I just said that. And if you don't examine why you felt that way, what made you feel that way? Then you're missing out on an opportunity to grow? Absolutely. I want to take a break right here. And then when we come back, we're gonna dive deep into the traits that you learned from your experience that Howard right, that's just one experience, but also being able to take an assessment of your traits, things that you've learned along the way, and how that has affected you and what you've learned. Okay, let's do it. In our virtual Happy Hour community, the party never stops. Follow Candace with a K Whitaker on social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and Tiktok. Back to our conversation on English. All right, I want to ask you one more thing. What was the most important thing you learned at Howard, and why? I learned to have boundaries, I learned to have a a system in place to hold myself accountable. Luckily, I met up with 10 other men, and we've been lifelong friends ever since. And we had a standard of the manner in which we lived, and we held each other accountable. And when we weren't doing the right thing or person was faltering. You would get to sit down with the other 10 people and be like, Hey, bro, what are you doing? So how it gave me I never lived like that before I just live life and took the day as it came. But how it gave me structure and building my values and my ability to hold myself accountable to certain beliefs. dazing Yeah, it's you don't have any people in life. Don't even have 10 people that they can call friends, let alone somebody who would hold them accountable. No, to be able to have 10 people who are accountability partners. That is tremendous. That's

Unknown: 10:00

A huge blessing. Yeah. And the thing about it Kandice is we really hold each other accountable. And the truth of the matter is, black men typically don't do that to each other. They may, they may talk about it in a men's meeting at church, and I've been in other men's meetings and organizations, where men talk about stuff, but to actually check you and say, You're wrong, what are you doing, I do not like this, you know better than this, you are better than this. Black men don't do that. Because it's so like a line. It's like an unspoken thing of, we don't do that. So we allow each other to be messy. But in my group, the rest of us better not hear about you doing something foolish. Or you put your hand on your woman, or you out here in the streets instead at home with your wife, they better not know about that could somebody can be talking to you. It could be as simple as Yo, bro, you're not grinding hard enough. You need to be grinding. We have had many a powwow, sometimes it's not all 10 of us, because right now we're spread out across the country. But it could be three, it might be seven, the next time, it might be all 10 on the Zoom call. If you've gotten older, there's less need to do that, you know, mark of true friendship. Yeah, that is a mark of true friendship, people who hold you accountable and tell you the truth. That's a real friend. Yes. Kandice, when I hear people say you only have one or two real friends in life. And I hear people say this a lot. And I'm like, I don't understand that. That's unfortunate. I know that I'm lucky. I know that this is rare. But we are true, true friends who hold each other accountable and love each other. And I can call on any one of them in a heartbeat. You know? And, you know, if that was your experience from Howard, that was worth the price of admission right there. I wouldn't changing I would not be the man I was today. Without those dope brothers in my life, without question. And you know, I build other lifelong friendships at Howard. But my group of friends is known by name we'll call Lu fi ello. You by none of us pledge at the time. Let's say y'all got like a low fraternity happy? Yes, yes. Because

Aaron Lloyd: 12:08

when we were at how we, if you weren't on a football team, you can pledge, you know, you, you know, very limited, and not like anybody could pledge, but the spots were always taken up. Typically by football player, you might have nine guys online. And one of them isn't on a sports team. It was like that, it was that it was that limited. And the male lines were never big. They were like 1012 13 people. And then some of the frets were suspended when we're when we were on campus. But I say that to say we weren't going to pledge. So we were our own friends. We were already friends who say we'll have our own fret. We named it after one of us who we felt was had the most endearing generous time qualities that we admired as a group. So we named it FM, and anybody that was in school from 86 to 90 knows of us, you know, if you were anybody on campus, if you are nobody you might not know what's what if you are on campus, you knew of us and you know of us now, you know, where we're still friends, you know, my podcast is with two of them. It's real, but that ability to have a system, I think it's beneficial for everyone. Some people, they find it in spirituality, and I'm all for that some people have their own secular thing. But you should have boundaries and limitations and expectations of your behavior. Only animals just do what they want, whenever they want. Everybody you know, only a dog goes to the bathroom, wherever he wants, you know what I mean? Like, you got to hold yourself accountable. And especially if you want to live the life that you want. I think there's a part of every single human being that wants to fulfill their life purpose. And until you're really on that path, there's going to be a part of you that's unsettled. But the only way to achieve any goal is through discipline. Yes. And accountability. I recently heard a quote from a hypnotist of all things and one of the things that he said was your, your imagination is stronger than your willpower. So if you can visualize yourself where you want to be in that place of success, you can get there by will alone, you're not going to do it. So that speaks to the necessity of having people speak into your life and having that trusted network. That was amazing. You're making some really great points. We're going to put a paperclip in it right here and we'll come back right after the break.

Kandice Whitaker: 14:44

So tell me are you enjoying the show? gone ahead and rate us five stars and leave a comment. Now back to the show. Welcome back. I am talking to my guest Aaron Lloyd who is the co host of my mic sounds nice podcast you could pick Get up on Apple or wherever you listen to your podcast, we just had a wonderful conversation about how attending Howard University for undergrad, it really shaped his life. But now I want to downshift into doing self assessments. Certainly your experience at Howard with any number of other life experiences provided you with many positive experiences, right, and probably left you with many positive traits. But I want to talk about doing a personal self assessment. So that's going to include doing positive and negative traits, like if you really want to grow as a person, I believe self assessment is critical to your growth it so let's but you have to do self assessment and look at your positives and your negatives. But be kind to yourself. My mantra is that you have to speak to yourself, like you're someone who you love, Wow, I've never done a self assessment doing it. And I think to yourself, like you're someone who you love one, I think I need to incorporate that. Because you always do self assessments, you should always be doing self assessment. And too, it takes the roughness and the fear out of it if you approach it in that manner, thus making them easier to do. Right? Because for me, it's always been brutal, and painful. And it doesn't have to be. And that's not given me this little gem, I'm going to incorporate that. You know, I got that a couple of months back from I think Brene Brown, I love listening to her shout out to Brene Brown. But also I mean, that whole idea is biblical, right. The Bible says speak the truth and love. Yes. And that includes yourself. I think so often, because people don't like to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I think people think it's inherently negative. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be the truth is not inherently negative. It is how sometimes it's relayed. Yeah. And you don't have to be fearful of it. I think a lot of people are fearful of it, and that you just embrace it, and just accept it, and accept that, hey, I can be wrong. I can make mistakes, I can mess up and still be okay. It's helpful. But I think most people go into it tensed up, you know, I don't want to be wrong, or I don't want to make a mistake, or I don't want to look at this area of my life. It's buried alive never dies. Yes. Yes. So if I had to ask you, what are your personal strengths? I can tell you what mine are, I think

Aaron Lloyd: 17:30

you want to go first you want me to? Or you want me doesn't matter. Okay? I asked you. So okay, I would say, when I was in school, we were taught in a men's meeting in organization I was in. So look to others, and take the best from other people. And incorporate it in yourself. Don't look at another person who gifts in a negative light, because one, they're from God. So you shouldn't be looking at it in a negative way. But take the best of the people that are in your life and try to incorporate it within yourself. So that is a practice that I do. So I'm accepting of, like I said earlier, like, oh, wow, I liked that cactus, I'm gonna use that. I'm willing to do that. There's no ego in me where I'm going to front like, well, I've got it all together, and I can't accept and learn from others. In fact, I desire to learn from others. I'm a little bit of a snob. I'm not gonna lie intellectually. But if I respect you intellectually, I definitely want to learn from you. And in particular, there's something I don't know about, I may ask you questions until the cows come home. And you're like, Alright, enough already. So I have this deep thirst to learn Aaron? Well, you know, language is important. snob has a negative connotation. And I would venture to say that it is right to be discerning. From whom you take advice. Yes, because every person on pinion, you're right, is not qualified to give you advice. Yes, as a person who has been both married and single, I tell my friends who are in relationships, it is not wise to get relationship advice from people who are single, especially lifelong singles. They don't know nothing about this. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And only somebody married could talk about marriage. Because you could be in a relationship for 10 years. But the minute you say I do, totally, it's like, that's my wife, like, you know that it's just different. So I agree with you. And and I'm glad you check me on that because it is discerning I don't look down on people. You know, it's not like I'm like, Oh, you dummy. I'm not doing that. So it is more discerning it's not snobbery, it is really just appropriate. Yes. I'm glad you pointed that out. So I think that today talking to yourself, like you're somebody who you love and that is something I'm working on too. Honestly, I think that would benefit me greatly, and it would free up my ability to increase To the frequency of my self assessments, because I don't necessarily like to do them, I understand the importance, I haven't enjoyed them. And I think it's because of the language internal language I've been using. So I'm glad to hear you say that. And I think that's my greatest gift. You know, like people always, you could talk about this or that or this. And it's only because I'm willing to learn from others. I'm always trying to absorb and take in and grow. So that would be my definitely be my answer. So in terms of my strengths, I think my biggest strength and my biggest weakness are the same thing. My empathy, I deeply care about other people. I want to see other people be successful. I'm genuine in that. Yes. But I will definitely go above and beyond you go to great lengths to help people, yes. Why? Because I look at many situations in my life. And I say, boy, if I would have just had help here, or if somebody would have told me x, so I strive to be that person. For other people. That's important to me. Because I believe in being part of a community that is helpful to transcend the community, not just me. Yes, right. I've, and I know that's not a Western ideal, but that is who I am. Like, that's just how I am. So that's a strength of mine. Another strength that I have is, I have the ability to problem solve and analyze things in a way that I think is different than most people, many people when faced with obstacles or even a difficulty. It stops them. Not everybody, but many people, for me, especially if it's something I'm committed to I don't take no for an answer. Yes, I immediately go into problem solving. And I'm like, Okay, well, I can't do this, but I can do this. What about that? So I will ask a person 3 million questions to get to what I want, because I don't take no for an answer. So there's that. But then also one of the things that you said, that definitely resonates with me, I do like to learn from other people, none of us have all the experiences and the information that you have to be successful. And I am definitely a person if somebody can tell me something to make my life better. Or to help me avoid a known pitfall. Please tell me, please tell me. Yeah. But I also think when you're doing a self assessment, it's important to ask people what they think your strengths are. And the reason I think that's important. And of course, it's going to be the people that you respect. So we're going to be discerning about the list of people with whom we asked to give us their assessment of us is because in the past when I've done that, I haven't done it recently, people told me things that I didn't even think about. And I haven't asked others. So I think I should start doing that. For me. It's a very individual thing. But I think it would be very beneficial to do what you're suggesting. I think getting other people's feedback, especially people who know you, well, gives you insight into a blind spot. Yeah, we all have blind spots. Yeah, especially about ourselves glaring blind spots, you know, because you can't identify if you could identify it, you would correct it, you know, so Exactly. Like, I can tell you, if you would like to hear like, I think personally, one of your strengths, Aaron is that you are consistent. You're one of those people that is so consistent, like whenever I talk to you whatever situation you're in, and for those of you who didn't hear in the beginning, Aaron's my cousin, so I've known him my entire life, Aaron's always been the same person, like what you see is what you get. And now that I'm thinking about it out loud, I think probably part of the reason why I am the way I am is because I like that in you every time you show up, you're the same and I tried to do the same thing. Because that was always very comforting. To me. Your presence is very comforting, ya know, for real? Because I have a tendency to feel unsettled around people who I don't know if I'm gonna talk to you today, if you're gonna be Jekyll or Hyde, I ain't got Yeah, yeah, you know, I think the idea of things being a gift and a curse is very true. And I think that I'm a person where I'm not really gonna get really caught up in other people and their shade Enos and you know, so I think people may be shady to me, they might slight me, they may be looking at me, like, I'm crazy. And I'm just ignoring all of that. And I'm just going to give you my positive energy, because I think that if I get caught up in other people's negativity, I lose. So I guess that's maybe where I'm consistent because I'm like oblivious. If that person is a snake, I'm not really worried about your sneakiness because if you are a snake, I'm just going to keep you away from me. I'm not going to treat you differently, but I'm just not going to involve you necessarily in my life. So I guess I just try and treat people how I want to be treated stick to the things I believe in and always lifto things constantly as a guide and not really worry about what's going on externally. But the negative in that is that people may Be during things that you should be aware of that you should pay attention to, not necessarily because it can hurt, not necessarily, because you're going to change you and your beliefs, but you need to be aware of things because it can impact how you move, for example, at work, if you're in a, you're in a work environment, you need to know who feels negatively towards you, and who may be an impediment to your success, or your growth. So that is the negative side of that. For me, you know, I need to find that the balance in that where I stay true to myself, but I see the entire board and how everybody's playing their chess pieces. I totally agree with what you're saying, I do that, but it shows up a little bit differently. For me, if I'm in a scenario, where I feel like what's happening is negative, tend to check out and I don't even realize that I've checked out and sometimes in that check out there's some information that I needed.

Kandice Whitaker: 25:54

Yeah, yeah. And it's something that I'm aware of now. But for years, I didn't realize that I was checking out and missing some important information. But you know, more importantly, when you have those things in yourself, that you're aware of, it's then you can begin to change, right? To begin to really get to okay, why am I doing that? Where did that come from? Yes, cuz this assessment isn't as important as to change the assessment itself. That part that part that part, I had a really interesting conversation with my father a couple of days ago, as an adult, having conversations with your parents is it could be completely different. And my dad, actually, and this is all related. Let me take a step back. That's where I had the epiphany of where the checkout started. Because when I tried to do my self assessment of why did I start doing this? And when I couldn't pinpoint it. So my dad, I don't even know how we got to this. But he said to me, you know, I want to apologize to you. First of all, I could have just passed away at that moment, my father apologized to me, because like, he apologized to me. He said, Because there were times when you were growing up, I just didn't listen to you. As a matter of fact, I think he said, and I could be quoting him wrong. He said something to the effect of I felt like you know, as your dad, I was right. And you had to listen to me. And as a result, I didn't listen to what you were saying. And I was wrong for that. I was so overwhelmed. And I said, you know, thank you for the apology, but just then it clicked. In my mind. That's when you started chewing out. Yeah. Because Wow. Then was in his talking until the white spit formed in a corner in his mouth. There was no way I was just getting up and walking away if I wanted to continue living. Yeah. So I learned how to just check out you know why? Because I've always been my own person. And that's a self preservation technique. That's the self preservation technique. It is you can make me sit here, but you cannot make me listen. Yeah. How about that?

Aaron Lloyd: 27:57

No, it's true. It's true. But it's able to be able to pinpoint that it was good that you were able to find out cuz it sounds like it happens for a reason, you know, like you had considered for a while, like, when did you start thinking about that for probably six months, if not more?

Kandice Whitaker: 28:13

friend said to me, you're always very short and your communication, not curt, just short, to the point and to some people that's off putting. So I've learned to be able to wrap it up a little bit longer than I generally would. Because just for some people, I've learned that even that as a consultant working all over the country, some things are cultural. Yeah. So me just doing my regular New York straight to the point bullet points can be very off putting for some people, we're gonna put a paper clip in it right here. And we'll come back right after the break. Are you ready for more? Keep up with Kandice with a k on social media. Now back to the show.

Aaron Lloyd: 28:51

The Midwest, in particular, where where matters, so Well, I don't think that you're not showing matters I just picked you're just straight to the point. But they would look at it as man is reality. Yes, exactly. Exactly. But I know you and for me, who one of my greatest strengths and weaknesses is that I live in a very intellectual manner. And I try and I always say emotions betray you because they get you in trouble. And then when you gotta deal with the consequences, they go away, like, Oh, I was angry. I said something stupid. Now I got to deal with the stupidity of my anger is in bed sleep. I'm all by myself. It's like the dude went to rob the bank, would you? And then the cops came and he's home and you got to deal with it. So that's what I say. Well, when I say that, you know, they betray you. And intellectually you know, that's where I spend most of my time and not an emotional side. So for me when you're straight to the point and you present the facts, it works for me. It's perfect for me like I get it his information his we need we need discuss, even though we have long conversations. There are times when you're presenting something and you're just straight to the point and succinct and I love it. And I don't take any offense to it. Maybe it's the New York thing me. I don't even see that defensive. But I totally understand from going to school with people in particular the Midwest, because they're even different than the South, the south they are. The Midwest is almost like manners without the snobbery. There's a little snobbery in the south with, with all of that lady like business or whatever, wherever get me started on that fake southern crap, because it's like, you guys are nice. But you're really mean Yes, exactly like this. There's an undertone of what's really going on down south in the Midwest is more genuine of that. And it's more more heavy handed, they tend to be nicer people, in my experience, not to say that there's millions of people there. So obviously, there's plenty of people that are nice to you said that because I remember starting a contract in Ohio, right? Literally my first day walking in, like, I didn't even get in the door. The manager met me at the door. And she's like, how your hanger were arms out, like, tuck me I was like, yeah, yeah, from New York, like, whoa, whoa, why are you touching me? I've just experienced a lot of stuff like that from people. And that they conduct themselves. And it seems like they believe it. I'll say that. So

Kandice Whitaker: 31:29

So here's the thing, don't get me started on manners and social norms. But I think it is important to understand a certain level of manners. Yes. And to be able to have this baseline of good manners. Yes. My problem is, and I think it's problematic when people weaponize manners as a way to say, Well, I'm better than this. And salutely snobbery, that's problematic, right? Because the point of manners is to make sure that everybody feels comfortable. Yes. So when you use it as a weapon, you're actually doing the opposite of what it was intended. And that is incorrect.

Aaron Lloyd: 32:13

It is supposed to be non threatening. Is it supposed to be welcoming, which is why you do it, you're going to behave in a certain way. And it is absolutely turn it into a weapon and the opposite of I've never thought of that. But that's what it is. And like you wonder why, like it does,

Kandice Whitaker: 32:28

Because it's to pick out our kind of people; social status. Because think about it, you know, you have to don't even get me down the rabbit hole, you have to been exposed to certain things to understand how to respond in certain places, another cousin of ours and I have had multiple conversations about how our family we were raised as the Bougie as poor people. But let me tell you something, some of those things that my dignified grandmother Brenda, God bless, he taught me made me feel comfortable in spaces where usually people from my background don't belong. Yes, because I knew how to look like them. I knew how to sound like this. I knew how to feel comfortable eating without smacking and licking my fingers. Yeah, which are the intangible soft skills that at least give you the appearance of belonging. Even if in my head, I was like, I don't like it here. This is very uncomfortable. But it gives you the ability to in our community, we have to be able to transform ourselves in a lot of situations. Talk about code switching for real. That's what we do. We do because our culture is not universally respected in this country. And as a result, we have to code switch. I recall being 2526 a manager and they will send me to talk to the black people for real they want me to talk to the black people. And I felt like remember that seed and airplane where the lady was like, I speak jive. I don't want to feel like that. I remember what chick in particular, right? And she was so nasty to EVERYBODY to everybody. They sent me to go speak to her because apparently I was the only one unafraid. So I went up, and I did what we do. Yeah. And I was like, so check it. You scaring the white people. I'm gonna need you to chill on that. Iight, cool. And then I became like the airplane lady like, I speak jive. I can go speak to the Negroes. I can handle them for

Aaron Lloyd: 34:38

You know when there'll be equality in America, you. it's not that white people are willing to have black people in their homes when they're willing to come to our home and our barbecue have come to dinner in our community on a regular basis we will have achieved societal equality because then that will signal that they are accepting of our culture. Typically, were not allowed that what typically is oh come to my house. And that's comfortable, because that is their cultural space. But white Americans typically are not comfortable in black cultural spaces. And it's a shame because there's no threat to that community at all. We are accepting and loving, and there's nothing to be afraid of. But I think the typical white American is not comfortable spending their time in a black cultural space. Interesting that you said that I would have never thought that. I mean, I gotta hate to say this, because it sounds so cliche, but it's true. I have a good amount of white friends, and just about all of them have been in my house. Now, obviously, they're not indicative of the entire population of the United States of America. But shout out to my white friends. I can't think of one that actually hasn't been in my house. So it didn't come into my house. So they're coming to my house, and I'm having 30 of the black people over Oh, okay. Well, I mean, there's a difference. Okay, fair, let's really talk about this.

Kandice Whitaker: 36:00

Because I've so often been the only black person in a space. I don't do that to not just my white friends, my friends of any other cultural persuasion, who are not black. If I'm having a barbecue, for example, I have to make sure there's enough white people. So my white friends don't feel uncomfortable. I do that strategically. But it's just like four of us, then. No, they'll be the one white person and it is what it is. So it depends on what it is. But if it's like 30 people, I'm going to make sure there's two to three other white people so they don't feel uncomfortable, because I remember going to a friend from college, his wedding. My daughter was actually in the wedding. She was a flower girl in the wedding. And it was me and my ex husband at the wedding where they were playing country music. She's from Texas, and white. Okay, cool. And I can't tell you how many people in that damn wedding came up to us to say the bride sister in law was you ready for this? 1/8 Black, multiple people came to tell us that she was 1/8 Black. I don't know what the hell that was supposed to do. But multiple people came to tell us that probably over one a black and didn't realize it. Okay, they're from Texas. But we got even got to go down there. So I digress. But then came the other comments. Look, you see how she's such a good dancer. You see brah It was bad. We even got to but comments. It just was so bad and cringy. I was like, Guys.

Aaron Lloyd: 37:32

I just think that in America, that black Americans are used to being the only black person in a room with white people that when that happens, it's not something that we freak out about. We may not be comfortable. I'm not saying we're comfortable. But we understand white culture, and we can live in it and function and be okay, because I can't even graduate high school without understanding white culture. Yes. And all I'm saying is that there's and maybe I'm wrong. But I just think that is a blind spot where white people do not spend a lot of time in black culture, and particularly are often uncomfortable when they're the only white person in the black space. And a lot of times they avoid that. And I only say that because I've been fighting my white friends to stuff and I've seen the oh, I can't make it compensations or they come and gone and a half an hour, I've had those conversations or let's meet up for lunch, and we're meeting for lunch and then neighborhood. Oh, let's go to this piece of ball about my house. I think that just an unnatural lack of comfortableness of comfortability on that part. And I think that's not a negative or slight sort of white community. I just think that that historically haven't been opportunities for that, and not at the opportunities that slowly changing. But I still think it's a issue. And I think when everybody just goes to everybody's house without a second thought, that's when you know, we're in a much better place as a society. And let's put this in a historical context. Right? You know, I'm a history nerd. Yes, you and I are the first generation born in the United States with our rights intact. We were born after 1965 when the Civil Rights Act was enacted. So I would even further venture to say, we are probably the first generation with white friends like that. Yes, yes. I can tell you right now. I have my father, my uncle's my grandparents. My father had like one white friend and they broke up because of Trump. Yeah, that's a great point. I'm thinking now of my elder relatives. And how many white friends today actually have? And I think our generation recall any really white people were folks you dealt with on the outside? Yes. And an adversarial type relationship. It wasn't even a consideration to actually be friends. Are we really gonna talk about that? Yeah, yeah. So I mean, I guess I would sum it up to say to our white friends out there in the listening audience extend yourself to circumstances in the black community that would really go a long way to normalizing our relations. Because right now my teaching history is so important. Absolutely. And looking at the present circumstance and the historical connection to it, you know, not that different. We are not that different. We're not even 100 years away from being that first generation form with our rights in town. I mean, at the end of the day, all human beings just want to raise their children, love their children, and be comfortable at home, be comfortable at home, live and live a good life love to people in love, and that

Kandice Whitaker: 40:39

We're more the same than we are different. I definitely believe that. People are more the same than they are different. No matter where you go on earth. Every family wants the same thing. They love their children, they love their siblings, they love their their friends, and they want to see happiness for them in the most basic, simple terms. And you can find that in the Amazon tribe. They haven't been touched by the outside world, and the most advanced community on Earth. It doesn't matter. It's basic humanity. I think that's an amazing point. And like a great place to wrap it. Like that's it like what else do we have to say? This has been an amazing show. We talked about historically black colleges versus predominantly white colleges. We talked about self assessment and being kind to yourself, and really how we are more the same than different. I want to thank my co hosts for the day. Aaron Lloyd, who's also a co host of my mic sounds nice podcast. So if you like what he had to say check them out there, y'all. I love you guys for listening.

Aaron Lloyd: 41:47

I love you, Kandice. Thank you for having me on the show. I love what you're doing. And you got a new fan that will be here anytime you need me. And I definitely want you on my show. Route. Definitely put me down in it.

Kandice Whitaker: 42:01

Alright fam, that's it. Wasn't that a great interview? Hold up before you grab your hat and head out. Make sure you make your way to facebook and join the bail yourself out pod Facebook group. That's where you'll find your virtual co workers luxuriating and chatting. Thank you so much for listening. And if you enjoy the show, please leave a review that's how we keep the lights on. If you're on social media follow your girl Candace with a que Whitaker and you know what I love to hear from you with that I love you and I mean it because there are people who hate in the world for no reason I choose to love for no reason. I believe that the great Martin Luther King Jr. said hey is too great a burden to bear so I choose to love the show.