Investing in Yourself and Your Community

The new Bail Yourself Out podcast is hosted by Kandice Whitaker, a successful entrepreneur, and specialist in navigating corporate culture. With a fresh new approach to maximizing optimal career moves - the Bail Yourself Out podcast is where the power lunch and the after-work happy hour intersect for dynamic business discussions in a relaxed atmosphere.
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Season 2 Episode 7 - "Investing in Yourself and Your Community"
Guest Co-Host - Derin Oduye

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Transcript

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Speaker: 0:00

Welcome to the bail yourself out Happy Hour Podcast where each week we'll help you navigate the corporate jungle. Here's your host, Kandice Whitaker

Kandice Whitaker: 0:10

Nope it's happy hour. I'm your coworker Kandice with the K pull up a chair and your favorite drink for the bail yourself out Happy Hour is about to start now. Hey there beautiful people, I am so excited about today's show. We're going to talk about investing in yourself, but then also investing in your community. Now, usually when people talk about investing in themselves, they're talking about their careers, right, or their businesses or something like that. But you know what, you're more than your career, you're more than your vocation. And there's so much to learn in that space. And you know what most of us are on that journey. I'm on that journey. I've been on that journey for a while about being intentional about investing in myself in all the parts of who I am. So our conversation is gonna be great and I can't wait to introduce you to our co host today is my girl Derin. I met her a couple of years back right now she's the president of the young professionals of the Urban League out in DC They call themselves the Thursday network but more importantly, Derin is a dynamic millennial leader and she's out here doing the damn thing y'all professionally but also in her community and that is so important. And just like most of us she recently started investing in herself. So you know what that speaks to how you can be a dope individual right got yourself together but still be working on yourself and you know what? That's okay. So right after the break, Derin is going to join us so lock it in.

Pierce Taylor: 1:48

Welcome to the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast. The bail acronym is used to outline the steps to implementing resilience in your life B believe you can win A accept change as part of the journey I inventory strengths and L learn from what's happened together will impact the bail framework in action. Now back to the show.

Kandice Whitaker: 2:06

All right. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome good people to the bail yourself out. Happy Hour Podcast. I'm so glad you decided to join us today. In our lounge. Today's co host is my friend who I've been calling Derin for years at this point, but like right before I started recording, I got her name together. Right?

Derin: 2:33

It's actually really good though.

Kandice Whitaker: 2:38

I met her a couple of years ago when I moved into the area. Those of you who know I'm in the DMV, Maryland, DC, Virginia area, and I joined the young professionals Urban League, which they call the Thursday network in the district or DC and at the time, damsel friendly. She's all inviting me in. You know, she's a millennial that works. She is a badass chick in her own right. But today's episode, we're going to talk about investing in yourself and also investing in your community. So since she does so much work investing in the community with the Urban League, I wanted to talk about both of those things. So first things first call you a Lima because I think that name is so beautiful. Shout out to your family for that name. I love that.

Derin: 3:20

Thank you.

Kandice Whitaker: 3:22

What do you want the world to know about you?

Derin: 3:23

Oh, that's a really good question. I want the world to know that I am an insanely hard worker. I'm not perfect, but I'm a hard worker. So humble. so humble.

Kandice Whitaker: 3:34

All right, so that tells me a little bit about you. You're a hard worker, but this is not a job interview. This is like for real for real. What's your name? What's your size? You're gonna be here for a while, like, what's your sign? Like, Oh,

Derin: 3:47

you did something? When you when you add that question. I was like, wait, what do I want the world to know about me? And that's the first time anyone has truly genuinely asked me that. Because I think for the longest time, I've always been what everybody wants me to be, right? No. Right. So

Kandice Whitaker: 4:03

we're gonna have a big sis moment, right? So I'm about I don't know, 10 plus years older than you. And if you were to ask Candace, at the tender age of 30 ish, right? I spent my life making people happy. Oh,

Derin: 4:19

such a people pleaser. Such a people pleaser it needs. Let

Kandice Whitaker: 4:23

me give you a hug. And I will just say, as you are pleasing people, pour into yourself because you can only pour as much as you have. What do you like? What do you want to do? So this is just big sis talking. No judgement. I love you. What

Derin: 4:39

do I like? What do I What do I love to do? You know, I love poetry. I'm a slam poets, right words. I don't believe in green gestures. I'm a very quiet person. But people get that cute funny because I'm very loud. Don't mix the two. I like

Kandice Whitaker: 4:57

the culture

Derin: 5:00

Though not the other, I am the first person to run away. I think you were there at that Christmas party where they serenaded me, that's who I am shy, awkward. I think that for the longest time people think I'm like a thought of I'm an extrovert, and I'm not. I retreat immediately from social situations, I am forcing myself constantly, I actually recently found out that I haven't he got diagnosed later in my life. And so it just makes a lot more sense to say that, you know, I'm not I'm shy, but not in the ways that people understand traditional shyness, right? Because people think shyness, oh, you wouldn't want to be president of an org, you wouldn't want to be doing this. And that's not what that means. Um, I

Kandice Whitaker: 5:48

definitely understand what you're saying. And we actually have a lot more in common than you think. Because I too, am an introvert, naturally, people do think that introverted is shy, but it is how you get your energy, right? You get your energy from being alone. And I get my energy from being alone as well left alone, like completely alone, right. But then the second part of that is when you can perform well, in a public setting. Yes, assume you're an extrovert. And it's like, no, this is training. Right? This one right now.

Derin: 6:20

Please think you don't get it. Training, want to be left alone, I literally my friends joke about how I'm a grandma, because by the time it's 10, I'm checked out my like, I'm like, Just leave me alone. You know, like, it becomes super difficult to have to I'm envious of people who can do it all the time and perform and that is innate for them. And it's

Kandice Whitaker: 6:44

I am not envious, right? I am not.

Derin: 6:49

But I will say that, like, I've never in my life been like that. I think that it's the it's this false perception of who I am for so long, because I've always known how to perfect shaking hands and talking to people. My mom always jokes, like, She's always talking to the mailman, and, you know, doing all these things. And I was like, because I'm incredibly awkward, and I don't want to be grabbing my mail and the mail person is putting the mail in the box, and he just grabbed my mail out. Like, I don't want to. I don't want to be this randomly.

Kandice Whitaker: 7:21

I'm awkward too. And that's okay. That is totally I am totally awkward. And I literally say it all the time. And I'm like, listen, I know I'm awkward. So we're just gonna roll with that. And I embrace it, because that's who God made me. And I also have ADHD and I also was diagnosed later in life. But guess what, there's a cool side of having ADHD there's not too many people who could literally think of two to three things simultaneously. And then we get a lot done.

Derin: 7:54

We get a lot done we do get a lot of a lot done. I do think that like so many people are misdiagnosed and are on some type of like girls, yes, black girls right you know, we are severely under diagnosed when it comes to misdiagnosed when it comes to this. And also I think that so many of us are forced to an A society that views black women as these like loud, extreme people were forced to kind of innately play into that role in a weird way, right? People meet you and they're like, oh my gosh, Hey, girl, I'm like, stop. Like this is not

Kandice Whitaker: 8:29

okay. I don't do that at all. You want to see me turn into a cold fish culturally appropriate me. We are not doing that because I will act like I don't know what you're talking about at all. So I got a funny story. I was in college right? And I get on the elevator with two professors. So it was me one black professor, one white professor. So the other one says, well, the white one says to the black one before you go into he was like third. So then this white dude turns around and says to my damn black professor all guys, chillin go to the third floor. This dude was like, what's the Chilean? Oh, my God almost died. I was like, and that's when I learned. ignore the bullshit. I was like, You know what? That's right. I'm gonna turn it right back on you to make you look like the idiot that you are. What is a Chilean? What is right? Look,

Derin: 9:20

I think that, oh, that I'm about to embarrass myself and all your listeners are about to roast me. Not

Kandice Whitaker: 9:29

just the family. It's okay. So

Derin: 9:31

I think that there's some things that people think that we're naturally supposed to know as People like black people, right? Like, and we have to remember that not all of us grow up in the same environment, right?

Kandice Whitaker: 9:41

Black skin is not black culture. Black American culture is too different.

Derin: 9:46

So I have a couple of years ago, Macy Gray was in my apartment building and I didn't know who she was one. I'm so sorry, had like

Kandice Whitaker: 9:57

three or four hits like for real and unless you're into already.

Derin: 10:01

Sorry to miss it. I literally didn't know who she was. And I talked to her. I literally said, I love. I know she was there for a concert or something. And I was like, Oh, I love your hair. I love your this. And, you know, and she was talking to me, she knew I didn't know who she was, she knew. Because for the way I was talking to her so casually, I knew she looked familiar, but I didn't maybe know what you know, you know, people look familiar, you've probably seen them something literally

Kandice Whitaker: 10:30

do that every single time I see a famous person, so don't feel bad. Unless I like, follow.

Derin: 10:35

I can spot Duccini in a crowd because I'm a political junkie. I worked in politics, but I can I just did not know who she was. And I talked to her we were in the elevator, we chatted, and then I couldn't on the next day, I'm going to work you know, I'm what, you know, I'm the security guard goes off. There's a celebrity in our apartment building. I was like, oh, okay, like, Who is it? And he's like Macy Gray. And I said, Who is that? And I looked at my phone. And I said, not this being the lady I taught

Kandice Whitaker: 11:12

that's great awkwardness. You know why? Because if you wouldn't know who she was, you probably would have been all weird and giddy. And now, I would change that story into I had a great conversation with Macy Gray, yes, to get the awkward part, branded, she had a great conversation with Macy grant

Derin: 11:32

branded, but then I thought that maybe I was the only one who didn't know who she was. So I put it in the Thursday network community and I got roasted, and I've now learned to embrace it because one, I think it symbolizes that black skin is one not black culture, too. We don't grow up in the same environment. I grew up in a waspy, Wilkie, milky white town like I did not I was in one of like so many black people in my school, I did not have this understanding of culture in the way. And I also grew up in a different country for tribal 10. So like, I didn't have it's not an excuse. But like, if all you're totally make sense, yeah, it's just environment. And so I think that it goes back to the first question of like, what people what do you want people to know about myself? I think for the longest time, that question is ever so evolving for me, right? You know, if I were in cedar park, Texas, I would probably say, Well, I moved, you know, I'm a I'm a good student. This you know, I live in this good environment, blah, blah, blah. If I wanted a lot, I like to get back a lot. But now I I'm like, Okay, well who's Halima? Who's doing right now? And that question is just really ever evolving. Like, what do you want to know about me? You just gonna have to find out, just got to meet me and

Kandice Whitaker: 12:53

that part, Right To Be Continued? That's all of us. We are all evolving. And we should be right. That is part of becoming the person that you want to be exactly. Even people who will be five years ago, you don't know me. I'm not even that person anymore. Yes.

Derin: 13:09

I mean, we're not the same person we were yesterday. You should have be exactly

Kandice Whitaker: 13:14

should have experiences and lessons learned. So I have a story I want to tell

Derin: 13:18

you. I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, no, no, this just works because there's actually a conversation and culture in a cultural zeitgeist about this about Justin Pearson, who, you know, the Tennessee three who

Kandice Whitaker: 13:30

back in? Well, yes. And people were

Derin: 13:33

talking about how, you know, in 2016, he was just he went to this really wealthy school, he looked like, you know, Tucker Carlson did this whole racist rant about him, you know, on TV about how he used to look like a shark, basically, you know, like this cookie cutter, white kid from this environment, talk different. I was like, So you weren't listening person you were six years ago, seven years ago, like you were always evolving. We're not the same person. And I'm sure that if you pulled up a receipt of Halima and 2016, me not that the Lima of 2023. So like, it just didn't make any sense to me. Instead, we don't give each other room to evolve and grow or grow, have grace with that. Everybody's always stuck in this framework of who you're supposed to be and who they've gotten that personally have gotten to know can possibly be someone else, right? Like can't possibly have evolved. And I think that, you know, that's just wrong. It's just wrong wrong.

Kandice Whitaker: 14:28

It's wrong point blank period. I have a funny story to tell you. So I have a friend I used to work with, and her dad is white, and her mom is black, but she's black African, right? Truly black African is different than standard issue. African American like me, right? So our black friends would be around and we will all be talking and we will say stuff sometimes and she wouldn't know where we're repeating. I distinctly remember one of my friends saying Oh, that was telling All right. And she was like, what's up? We were rolling. We would like, wow.

Derin: 15:07

It's hard. We it's hard like I'm here America, America has so many nuances to it. Like, you know, first of all, you got to get past the English part. And then there's the AV part and you are black. It's, it's hard to immerse yourself. And we don't

Kandice Whitaker: 15:23

forget the cultural differences. You lived in the Deep South. And now you live in the mid Atlantic. And I was a consultant, I worked all over the country, people are freaking different in different parts of this country.

Derin: 15:36

Okay. Let me tell you, the Texas is a different pace than DC. Okay, Texas, and different parts of Texas. You can be in Lubbock, Texas, with all the country bumpkin folks, they can be in all the way in Lake Travis with all the wealthy. You know, Texas, folks. There's Dallas, all the oil money sending oil money people? Yeah, yeah, I was I was really trying to, say the oil money, people, there's just different. There's, there's different types of different people everywhere, even in just one state. And that's what makes, you know, the world is so beautiful. We're all different.

Kandice Whitaker: 16:14

I absolutely, really, really quick, I want to talk about this Forbes article that I spoke about a little bit earlier. And it talks about the five most effective ways to invest in your career, it is an old article, but you know what, some of the concepts that are brought up are definitely tried and true. And the purpose of our conversation today is to talk about investing in yourself, right? But there's a duality to this, you need to invest in yourself as in who you are, as in Kandice, invest in myself, but then also invest in your career. And I think a lot of times when people are in places where they're not happy, it's because they're not investing in both sides of themselves. That's good, right? You're not the roles you play, right? So I'm Kandice right. I'm someone's employee in a certain context, other people's mom in a different context, other people's family member, cousin, whatever, but like in all of those different roles, those things all make up who I am. And if you get out of balance and not investing in all of those things, that's going to lead to unhappiness. Yeah, here's some of the things that says, you know, it talks about invest in your strengths. That's important. Like in your career, I think if you're working in something that is not your strength, meaning that it does not give you energy, that's how you know it's not a strength, it takes your energy work on that, right. And the second part of it is invest in your intelligence, invest in your know how to invest in the right relationships, networking, blah, blah, blah, invest in a career coach. I mean, I think career coaches, then this is as a career coach, we have our moments, but we're not necessary all the time. Right.

Derin: 17:53

But this is like about access. Right? So the investing you really the right relationships, right? Who would they really talking about when they say the right relationships? So

Kandice Whitaker: 18:05

that's loaded? Fairly

Derin: 18:08

is and so I'm, I'm curious as to who wrote this article, one, what lens you're coming from, because this? Yeah, well, this can apply to not us. But 100% of the time, in the right relationships, kind of? That's a little bit, I want to I'm a little bit confused by, you know, who are they to

Kandice Whitaker: 18:27

you this way? I mean, I think that question is absolutely valid and fair, who are they talking about? But if I, as a career coach was saying that to someone, Kandice Career Coach hat would say, invest in the relationships that are on the path for your future self. So that's subjective,

Derin: 18:45

that is subjective. But if I know where you're going, exactly, but a lot of us that's the biggest mistake people have when trying to achieve success. They don't know where they're going. You're How can you be

Kandice Whitaker: 18:55

successful if you don't know where you're going? You can't write the first step.

Derin: 19:01

You can you can also, like, I'm trying to be a contrarian, but like, do we have to ask ourselves, do people want to strive for success, though success

Kandice Whitaker: 19:11

is relative, like, that's a whole different rabbit hole. But I do want to say this because I don't want to conflate two different issues, because I often tell people, it is okay to start on a path, especially if I was talking to somebody your age Derin, yeah, it's okay to start on a path not knowing exactly what you want to do. And when I say path, I mean career path. If you don't know exactly what you want to do, but you think communications or marketing sounds cool. Try some roles out in that area, because very often you can figure it out on the way right, yeah, I like this part, but I don't like that part. And then you can kind of fall into a role and then future state be more intentional, right. And

Derin: 19:51

I also want people to know it's never too late to make those decisions. I think people give themselves like a time like gap of when it's you It's, you know, I should have achieved this when I should have achieved that. And I think that there's it's never too late like you can achieve

Kandice Whitaker: 20:06

or it's never too late. I 100% agree with that. It is never too late. However, come on, as a person who wants to if you if you aspire, sir, out there listening, if you aspire to date, Candace, you need to have already figured out what you want to do. Yes and Amen. in any other context, yes, you can.

Derin: 20:25

That is there. That is there. And relationships and romantic relationships. I don't know. I think that that would be a different question. Like you'd have to ask. That's like something you're comfortable with, you know, but you know what? I'm still young, still figuring that part out.

Kandice Whitaker: 20:45

But you know, what, also at 30? I think that's more acceptable at mid 40s. For me, we need to have realized some success, because potential has an expiration that said,

Derin: 20:58

Oh, okay, Candice. Okay. Okay, what

Kandice Whitaker: 21:01

I said, Okay,

Derin: 21:03

I mean, yeah, mid 20s to mid 30s, like early 30s. It's kind of like still acceptable. Yeah.

Kandice Whitaker: 21:13

Haven't timed out? I mean, listen, you can still go back to school. You absolutely should. If you haven't really

Derin: 21:20

want to have to have a plan or plan.

Kandice Whitaker: 21:23

You have to? I'm trying to figure it out. It is I go back construction person, I might want to be an actor. No.

Derin: 21:32

Because the one thing that we all need is like as people as a sense of direction. So like, if you don't have a plan, it's like, I don't know. I don't know how to help you here. Well,

Kandice Whitaker: 21:43

that's the thing, right? I believe in traditional values. And if we're talking about dating, how can I be a helpmate? If you don't have a plan? And how can you lead anything if you don't even have a plan for your life? That's my belief that it's problematic

Derin: 21:57

in facts. I think at a certain age, when you don't have a plan, then you need to live I would you need to do some revaluation. Alright,

Kandice Whitaker: 22:06

I do like the fact that you said that success is relative, right? Yeah, not everybody aspires to climb the corporate ladder. And that's another thing that I say that's controversial. But I have no aspirations to climb the corporate ladder, I just want to make good money, go on vacation and do what I want to do.

Derin: 22:25

I think I, I want to aspire to wait, I'm just afraid of what I will lose of myself along the way. Because there is no way that you can aspire to that level of success and not lose some part of you.

Kandice Whitaker: 22:45

That's exactly why don't want to do it. That's 100%, right. And right there. I don't want you to call me while I'm on the beach in Puerto Rico, call me I'm not answering. I'm dead to you. Leave me alone. I'm not that important. Like act like I died.

Derin: 23:06

And dead to you. That's a really good self assessment. I think it's just something that always always constantly evolve. Because you can change about that your mind can be changed about that, like maybe a year down the line. If you see a position that you want, and you want to climb to that. No. Okay, so hard,

Kandice Whitaker: 23:22

though, for me. Maybe somebody else that's a hard no for me. But, but I don't Knock the Hustle. For anybody else who has aspirations could tell you how to get there. It's just not for me. It's just not for me. But I think I think there's power in knowing who you are and what you can do and what you can't do. Yes,

Derin: 23:42

there's a lot of power in the most best thing you can do to yourself, for yourself is have confidence.

Kandice Whitaker: 23:50

That part of you know what, this is an excellent place to put a paperclip in this. You're making some great points, we're gonna come back right after the break and talk more about investing in yourself, and also the community. We'll be back. In our virtual Happy Hour community. The party never stops. Follow Kandice with the K Whitaker on social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and Tiktok. Now back to the show. All right, we are back with our guests, our co host today, Derin, and we're talking about investing in yourself and investing in the community. And so we talked a little bit before the break about investing in yourself and what that looks like and what that means. But I want to talk about investing in the community because you are the president of Thursday network, which is the young professionals division. I'll get ready to say people that I was like, No, that's wrong. But investing in the community. Well, first of all, why is that important to you?

Derin: 24:50

I mean, you're getting something back from it. If you're investing in when you're investing in the community. We don't we don't do this work because you're young You might not seem like this, like swift rad, like radical change, but one person's life is changed when you're invested in a community at least one, right? And investing does not mean I think people always think of the monetary sense. They're like investing it in, you know, taking care of, let's say community garden, right. There's an organization in DC, Dreaming Out Loud, that have a Spring Fest on April 23 22nd. Birthday. And what they do is they have a farm at Kelly Miller Middle School. And I think that's the best way, one of the best ways you can invest in your community, you know, there are literally building getting vegetables, and all these things were community partners. And I think people always think of the granular way to invest in your communities. And these are some of the most micro ways we can we can help out. And the work we do at there's a network is one of those ways, you know, we have a food pantry, that we support a families we do, you know, we have over the winter, we have a partnership with victory heights, which is the senior citizen home. Right. And so there's microcosms of ways, certainly, but but you're seeing a lot of, you know, a huge difference, right? Whether it's community building, or providing food to people who are need, this city has a lot of food disparities, it's really, you know, micro investing or communities starts one step at a time, it's a one step at a time process, right? It's not something that is going to see you make, like unilateral change, you're not gonna see it immediately. It's not something some, it's sometimes it might not be tangible. And so I think that it can mean a multitude of things. But one of the things it means is means peace of mind, right? It can mean that you you've like, you've done something to help out. That's what I think that's what it means.

Kandice Whitaker: 26:53

I think that's really important. A couple of months ago, I started on a mindfulness journey, right to really be intentional about what I think about, because our minds are so powerful. And in that journey, one of the things along with meditation, and you know, stretching and breathing and going out for walks, all the stuff we attribute to mindfulness, they talked about being part of the community, being intentional about how you show up in the communities that you choose, and also about giving back. And so that sentiment is echoed in what you're saying, like there is part of us that is wired, we are communal beings to contribute in some way. And I love how you talked about, okay, yeah, you could give money and do things like that in the community. That's one part. But you know, for people whose money not might not be right, yet, you can show up and you can volunteer, right. And that's a way to give back. That's a way to be fulfilling. And I definitely believe what you sow is what you reap, right. One of the ways you invest in your life is by helping other people. Exactly. Even if you don't have a lot,

Derin: 28:02

right. Yeah, I think people think that you have to have Mackenzie Bezos money and give to all these, you know, organizations, and that's not necessary. That's one way, we're not gonna knock that down. That's just one way to help. But the simple ways also can just also be by showing up, you know, when you go to those, that senior citizen home, this is just your sheer fact that someone is coming to visit them, and play games with them and do the most, the smallest of things is super impactful.

Kandice Whitaker: 28:32

I love senior citizens, they have so much knowledge, and they're great. I love older people, gobbling shout out to the elders,

Derin: 28:42

but also just showing that you, you actually care about your fellow citizen is it just it doesn't have to be so macro, it can really be some of these micro things that I'm talking about. And peace of mind. One is, is really what it means to me, it sends us to my community. And for me, it's just in me, it's natural to like, want to help my mom always used to share the story about how she would go this was in Nigeria, I would be I was a kid. And I would she would go to the supermarket. And we don't have like we didn't have like Walmart or whatever, we just go to the market. And I would just literally leave her and go talk to the homeless people and give them the fruits and vegetables off of people's like vendors, tables. And I used it I think that that you know that then it's just always been instinctual for me to invest in. And I think that that's that was a good way to invest in the community as a young person without me knowing that I made someone's day, right? And I mean, one I'm like, oh, man, my mom, let me roll around. But then I realized that the community building I grew up with that community that shared understanding that we are all here for each other is the principles that have guided my life, right? Like I it's, it's how I do lead in Thursday night, like, it's how I do outside of thing, things outside of thirds, you know, I care about people a lot. And so for me it I feel good knowing that I've helped you like, it doesn't matter how big or small just feel really good about it.

Kandice Whitaker: 30:15

I think most people do. And that is so important. And you know, I would say to anybody who's listening, if anxiety, depression, if that's something that you struggle with, and I'm saying this as a person who has had some challenges in that area, as well, it helps when you shift the focus off yourself to other people, it really does. It helped us so much. And the other thing of it is, think of your proverbial hand, right? When you are giving to somebody your hand is open, you also can't receive if your hand is not open.

Derin: 30:45

That's the nature nature, nurture. So goes, we know my name one who was patient kinda.

Kandice Whitaker: 30:52

That's right. We talked about that before we were recording for everybody. But yeah, her name is patient, kind and generous. And I was telling her how I'm in a tribe of Native American name, I didn't tell you my name. My name is Sage Fire Spirit. And the idea in our tradition is that you aspire to become your name. And I told her, because she said initially, she she wasn't what her name means. But that's okay. You're, you're not going yet. What people will say they will speak well of you and say that you fulfill the mission of your name. I'm speaking that into existence, because it will be so thank you so much for that. Absolutely. So I want to downshift into tell us a little bit about how you invest in yourself, or do you invest in yourself? Let's just start there. Do you invest? Okay, so

Derin: 31:40

when you ask this question, I kept on thinking, oh, man, I'm not gonna have a good answer. Because up till recently, I've started investing in myself. So I, you again, we talked about this whole people pleasing mentality. And for the first time in my life, I said, No, investing in myself is saying no to people is going on a walk. And that's myself in seeing your text message that is literally and asked a friend of mine just shot me a text message. And it upset me because it was just like an ask. And I was like, Okay, first of all, there was no hi, how are you? How's it going, blah, blah, blah, then you can move to the Ask but invested in myself is not accepting that as a proper text message. Investing in myself is, you know, taking a deep, a deep look at mine finances and seeing how much I'm spending on Ubers. And maybe it's time for Dan to go for a walk. Okay. Investing myself is thinking about my overall well being, not just what I'm doing externally, but what I'm also doing intimately. And my eating the right things, am I you know, am I taking care of my mind working out? And so those are things that I actually just started recently started doing, you know, and people were like, are you okay? And I'm bored. No, this is what looks like, this is what investing in life self looks like it means I don't have to serve you all the time. I'm always giving and I don't get the benefits of actually taking care of myself. I'm just pouring 100% of who I am into other people, you know,

Kandice Whitaker: 33:17

what, what you described as boundaries and boundaries are appropriate, and boundaries are best. So investing in yourself looks like boundaries. And I can say this from personal experience, I am not getting down on you. When I started setting boundaries in my life that look like to other people, I was acting funny that look like to other people that I had changed. And in fact, I had changed because years ago, I did a program with Brother Tony Brown. I don't know if y'all know him. He used to have a show on PBS for years and years. And one of the things that he said that I will never forget is I teach people how to treat me, every single thing. I teach people how to treat me. So the flip side of that this is something that I just learned recently, I heard that years and years ago, but something recently that I heard that has forever changed my perspective on boundaries and self care when you make sure your finances are in place that is loving yourself. When you take care of your body mentally, physically, financially, when you take care of yourself that is setting appropriate boundaries and investing in your future self right. I have no aspirations to be on high blood pressure medicine or any of me there. Right? When you love yourself in all of these ways that are so important. You are setting yourself up to be ready for the partner that God has for you. Because how can you expect them to love you more than you love yourself? I heard somebody say that and it changed.

Derin: 34:54

We're so hard on them. So I think that you know, I sat there and I said what I would He goes on to say the things that I say to myself, you know, oh,

Kandice Whitaker: 35:03

self talk is so important self talk is to actually say the

Derin: 35:07

things that I say to myself and I'm so hard on myself. I'm incredibly hard on myself. Because, again, we talked about this perfectionism is the thief of joy. I've always strived to be perfect and really good at every single little thing I'm doing. And even in this role as president, there is this. There's this, you know, false fallacy that you can't be vulnerable in leadership that you can't say lie that I have, I've had enough of this, you know, people treat you you're not you're right. You're like, you know, people do treat you out of pocket when you're a leader, they think they can talk to you ever they want, they demand things of you, the man, you're kind, you're so much more. And so I think up until recently, I'm doing things that are for me, and I'm not going to do things for other people like in unless I truly want to write like unless I'm truly like this is so that's

Kandice Whitaker: 36:01

the way it should be period. That's all forever. And you know what, this is a good place to take a break. I'm gonna downshift and we're gonna do something different. When we come back. You're gonna say some of the crazy crap that people say. And I'm gonna respond. Sophisticated corporate savage that has taken years to develop. So let's get some reading right after this. Keep it where you got it? So tell me, are you enjoying the show? gone ahead and rate us five stars and leave a comment. Now back to the show. Hey, y'all, we are back. In the happy hour lounge. We just had an amazing conversation with my co host today. We got a millennial in the room, y'all. So stuff is a little different. We get vibes. Talked about investing in yourself. We talked about investing in community. Now we're going down Shift, this is going to be a workshop of sophisticated Savage, because we are setting appropriate boundaries. Yes and Amen. Yay, because we teach everybody how to treat us. So can was gonna hit me off with some of the crazy ass things that people have said or asked of her. And then I'm going to respond in a sophisticated way, let's do this.

Derin: 37:16

Can you send me money? I'm down on my rent, what am I you bank?

Kandice Whitaker: 37:20

Well, my first response is, I wouldn't respond to that until the next day, you get a 24 hour cooling off period, I'm gonna leave your ass on red. And then when I do respond, my response will be this. Hi, how are you? I hope you're well, I need a little bit more background to understand what's happening here. And then whether or not you lend the money, that's up to you. But here's my rule of thumb just for everybody listening. I never lend anybody any amount of money that if you never give it back to me for the whole rest of my life, I won't feel the way and only you can determine that amount of money because folks don't pay you back your money. So understand that that's gonna be a gift when you give folks money. If it's not an amount that you can't give them and not feel away for the whole rest of your life. Don't give it Do yourself a favor. And then if that an end, if that is the case, that it's an amount that you don't you can't afford and not feel the way I don't have it. That's it. And so it's

Derin: 38:21

hard to not feel away if you do if you do give it away when that is always a I mean, Oprah and Gayle were talking about, oh,

Kandice Whitaker: 38:29

give it if you can't feel away. Here's how I think about it. I've given folks$40 And they act funny because I lent them $40 And they never paid me back to me. That was $40 to get a bomb out of my life. Enjoy the rest of your life.

Derin: 38:46

Love it. Love it.

Kandice Whitaker: 38:47

All right, what's up next? Crazy crap. People have said, Oh, hi, I

Derin: 38:52

did this thing. Can you send it to this person that you know no internet? Not Hi, how are you know, like, how's it going? It's just Hi, I did this thing. Can you send it to the person that you know? Hi,

Kandice Whitaker: 39:02

thanks for reaching out. I'm great. I know you didn't ask that. I don't know the context of this. So I need a little bit more information before I feel comfortable. And I'll consider sending it out. That's it. Yes. Yes. So you need to kind of echo back to them that you didn't ask a question. You assumed and the assumption was the root part right? It can't be a demand you can't demand when you don't have any power. Don't give them your power. That's not a demand. Exactly. I

Derin: 39:32

was I was looking for the two things it's disappointing equally wonder your friend right because you should know me well enough to know what is so off putting.

Kandice Whitaker: 39:43

You tried me and now you know me. You found out yeah, you tried me and now you know me? Yes. You have any more or is that the last crazy one? Oh, man.

Derin: 39:53

There's so many crazies. Oh, I remember doing I mean, during the 2020 times someone said oh You really black, if you're not going to be posting the black square, I remember thinking lately, I was that the remember when they were doing the black squares on Instagram? I got criticized for not posting the black square.

Kandice Whitaker: 40:12

Well, first of all, I don't know that I would even respond it because my grandmother said a non response is a response. Because my first thought is Who were you? Exactly? You really did try it. Nobody goodbye, or response or recently?

Derin: 40:28

It was, I mean, being president, I don't want to be I hear out in what everybody says. But then we had a winter party I was doing check in helping out and I was chatting and whatnot. And these two girls, they weren't even part of the organization. They just came for the party. And I'm like, okay, okay, I'm talking, I'm trying to get the person checked in. And the girl behind on I was like, Oh, I don't see her name, the girl that says her name. She says, I don't want that. It was like, I don't see your name. And she goes, Oh, you know, I'm putting it in manually. And then the girl, the second girl comes in. I said, What's your name? I said, Oh, I see your name. And she was like, Well, you could have known that if you paid attention and asked me first and I was like, did I deserve all that attitude? Does I deserve all that smoke in that moment? Like that? I deserve all of that I was I supposed to know she was your friend? You don't? You're not even in the organization like I was.

Kandice Whitaker: 41:19

I wouldn't take that personally. Right? So part of the reason some people are the way they are, is because it gets them attention. And so you remove power with ignoring everything does not deserve your response.

Derin: 41:34

That's factual. That's, that's just factual. It doesn't deserve your response. It

Kandice Whitaker: 41:39

does not deserve your attention. Because a lot of the times therein lies your power. Yeah.

Derin: 41:44

I mean, so many of the times, I think it's people just demanding things of me being like, the

Kandice Whitaker: 41:50

kind of man that doesn't mean they deserve your attention. And I'm

Derin: 41:54

like, Bro, why do you think that you deserve this amount of time? Like the I should give you this amount of time, then what have I done for you to make like for you to disrespect me like that. So you need to just accept it. But you know, you've seen the crazy stuff you've seen out of pocket stuff. So I

Kandice Whitaker: 42:11

well, you know, part of that also comes with age. You know, I will say to you and anybody else listening? No, seriously, I water gardens that water me, you know, we're not being funny. But you know, what did young people say but they only usually apply this to dating. We mentioned energy. Now we mentioned energy and anything, because I can talk about the days where I've gone through some really hard times. And these people I can't find you in the daytime with a flashlight. Flashlight, the level of attention that you get from me, your daytime with a flashlight. Okay, you get daytime with a flashlight back? Like we are definitely matching energy. Yes, yes, I think I mean, think about that your brain is your most valuable resource could be thinking of the million dollar idea, but you thinking about how to have an attitude with you at the front desk.

Derin: 43:02

Okay, is that one is just so micro to be honest. It's like I welcome everybody. You know, I

Kandice Whitaker: 43:08

was just the example I thought about but you know what I mean? Like, don't get energy.

Derin: 43:12

I was I was, it's the micro because I mean, I'm like, I don't know, I think about all the crazy stuff. And I'm like, David will go with the least crazy amount of crazy. That was those that was a little bit of a sliver of, of what people say that are crazy. To me. It's wild. This leadership, we're all this is a lot of invest in yourself. If you don't invest in yourself, you're gonna go crazy. Absolutely.

Kandice Whitaker: 43:36

It's in the leadership is about serving. And it is a lonely island, you know, recently on a team that I manage, I was trying to get specifics about a situation that occurred and the person on my team said to me, Well, I think bla bla bla bla bla, and I was like, we didn't get to the section where we were asking what people think at this point. I was just gathering facts, but thank you. Oh,

Derin: 43:59

man. Okay, so

Kandice Whitaker: 44:00

kids looked at me like, I was like, nah. So what I said,

Derin: 44:04

you always assume that people have good intentions. This recently actually yesterday, this girl, she emailed me there was an error, right? And she emailed her and she was like, Can we investigate? Why? And then my boss was like, I'm ready to catch hands for you. What was that email? That's disrespectful. Because it was so accusatory it was like you messed up, and then you follow the thread. And it turns out, they're the ones who messed up. There was no reflection, there was no sticker step back. I have emails, right of nine people. And you wanted it to be like, I didn't do something. But in fact, you did. I responded very kindly. And I said, Actually, I'm using the template you provided and flagging the the error was already there beforehand, so maybe need to do some internal digging to see if this is on you. The thread then admits that, you know, Oh, I'm so sorry. This is an error that I made, but obviously, but why did you have to be accusatory to begin with, and I think

Kandice Whitaker: 44:59

they did. Tension. Yes, yeah. So for the Okey doke. That's how they get. I just was like, there's like no people like baby No, there's too

Derin: 45:09

much harm that white women do and workspaces that can be left for a different conversation to

Kandice Whitaker: 45:16

not talk about Karen's at work. That could be a whole positive name. So

Derin: 45:24

it's such an old segment. It's called Karen's, that one. Everybody offends you. You are our police. Our tunes are policed everything I have to think about if I put three exclamation points on this email, so Stephanie does not feel like I'm yelling at her in in, like, Why do I have left? What

Kandice Whitaker: 45:44

it is passive aggressive control. That's what it is call a thing a thing. It's insane. It's insane. It's passive aggressive, controlling behavior. But oh my god, that is bad for yourself. We're going to turn this back around to talking about yourself and invest in a community because we went down a rabbit hole. This is a good conversation to have, I think later on about Karen's at work. That could be a whole podcast right there.

Derin: 46:10

To come back for that.

Kandice Whitaker: 46:11

I'm loving your energy. I'm loving it. This has been an amazing episode talking about investing in yourself but also in the community. I want to thank my guests, Derin, amazing president of the Thursday network. Aye Aye, Aye thank you so much for your time, and we out. Wasn't that a great interview, hold up before you grab your hat and head out. Make your way to facebook.com and join the Kandice with the K Whitaker's Facebook group. That's where you can find our free Happy Hour community, luxuriating and chatting. Thank you for listening. And if you enjoyed the show, please leave a review. That's how we keep the lights on. If you're on Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, feel free to shoot me a message and say Hey, girl, hey, I'm Kandice with the K Whitaker and I would love to hear from you. And with that, I love you. And I mean, you know why? Because there are people in the world who hate for no reason I choose to love for no reason. I believe as the great Martin Luther King Jr. said pain is too great a burden to bear and I choose to love peace y'all be great.