Becoming You: The Strong Friend

The new Bail Yourself Out podcast is hosted by Kandice Whitaker, a successful entrepreneur, and specialist in navigating corporate culture. With a fresh new approach to maximizing optimal career moves - the Bail Yourself Out podcast is where the power lunch and the after-work happy hour intersect for dynamic business discussions in a relaxed atmosphere.
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Season 2 Episode 9 - "Becoming You: The Strong Friend"
Guest Co-Host - Nick Thomas

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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 2:45 Broken man
• 8:26 Using BAIL
• 11:10 Question of manhood
• 15:25 What do you do with unspoken fear?
• 20:20 Community stigmas
• 23:02 Who checks on the strong friend?
• 27:00 Setting boundaries
• 33:00 The maturation of love
• 37:55 Are your expectations aligned with your purpose?
• 43:20 Have thine own way

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Welcome to the bail yourself out Happy Hour Podcast where each week we'll help you navigate the corporate jungle. Here's your host Kandice Whitaker is happy hour. I'm your coworker Kandice with a K pull up a chair and your favorite drink for the bail yourself out. Happy Hour is about to start now.

Kandice Whitaker: 0:25

Welcome to the happy hour lounge friends. Are you the strong friend? You know what I'm talking about? The reliable one, the advice giver, the ones your friends and family rely on? I definitely am that person. And you know what today's co host Nick Thomas. He is two but just like most of us strong friends. It took a toll on him after a while. It's a lot. Yeah. I mean, how do you work past all the layers of societies and personal expectations. At some point, you've got to be your full self. So in today's episode with our guest co host, Nick Thomas, we're going to discuss some strategies for maintaining your resilience. One Life The Life and we'll be back.

Pierce Taylor: 1:08

Come to the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast. The bail acronym is used to outline the steps to implementing resilience in your life be believe you can win a accept change as part of the journey. I inventory strengths and learn from what's happened together will impact the bail framework in action. Now back to the show.

Kandice Whitaker: 1:28

Hey there happy hour fam. Welcome to the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast. I am so excited to introduce our guest co host in the lounge today, Nick Thomas. He's an author. He's a life coach. And he does some other stuff to make his money. But that's the stuff we care about today.

Nick Thomas: 1:48

All right, Nick, what do you want the world to know about Nick Thomas. So one, I'm a great guy, you should know that first. Excited to be on the podcast today just to talk to you to have some dialogue to open up as a man one that has journeyed from what I call darkness to light. My job and purpose really on Earth is to make those connected to me better. And that's what I strive to do every day. So I'm excited to be here to share some knowledge and some truth. And that way we can grow just as people and as persons. I love that I absolutely love that you describe yourself as a man that is journeyed from darkness to light. So that kind of segues right into my first question. Why would you describe yourself because you have a book with a similar title? Why would you describe yourself as a broken man? You know, one of the things that I think I learned about myself is that I didn't know much at all, you know, I wouldn't say that I really learned what a man was or what I should be until, you know, my 30s. And, and to me in my own head, I think that that is behind. But the truth is, I was just so disconnected from who I really was, you know, trying to prove things to people trying to prove things to myself not being self fulfilled. And as I miss things, and as I journeyed in a wrong direction. It just made me more empty, just in general. So where I thought I had the answers, the reality is, I just didn't and it left me in a place again, while I was just disconnected with not much to truly be proud of. And that made me broken and hurting. For sure. Well, you mentioned something interesting. In your last comment. You said you didn't know much. Yeah. Why do you say that? Because it's truth. I think one of the things that we do as men is force ourselves to think that we know and have to have the answers right away. So we go when we make these decisions. And we say that that decision, I know it's the right decision because I made it or we go down a certain path and say that this is the path that I should be taken. Because we put these pressures on ourselves. And we have no idea a lot of times, we make decisions. And we really are clueless outside of our own personal gain and goals about why we make those decisions. So we think that we know what it's like, or what we should be doing to declare ourselves a real man and we do things a because this is what we should be doing to say and feel that we are who we're supposed to be. And sometimes you're just so far from our truth until it hurts us more than helps. Wow. I mean, your level of transparency is refreshing. I think that it is important as a person to be able to inventory where you are in your life and make that assessment to say Yo, this is not aligning with who I want to be. But can you tell us specifically like Was there a specific moment that made you say pump the brake, I gotta do something different here? Yeah, you know, one of the things and this is Even going to what I would think is the the end of my mind, not the end. But I was definitely over the hump of figuring out who I was. But I'll never forget this day just because of how it happens December 31 2019. And my family has jurisdiction when we go to church service to bring in the new year. And I was really having like, a rough time with my son, because I'm a strict dad. You know, I have goals for him and direction that I want him to take. And we had a rough path. And I talked about this in a book way. It was blood, sweat, and tears, for sure. And I asked my son on that day, do you think I love you? And his answer was sometimes, and if I was shot, I probably would not have known that that pain, because the pain of hearing that knowing that it was the absolute opposite of what I wanted. For and from him. It just It killed my soul for sure. It tells me you didn't expect that answer. Grandma said no. to Now, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't think that that was that. That was it. And again, like I said, I was I know what was a tough day. And and I know it got ugly in here sometimes. But I just thought that he understood why. And again, that even taught me how to be a better parent, you know, the son that I just speak or if he's 17 now, and I have a six year old now. But that that comment outside of my own journey, it forced me to speed it up, because I didn't want to lose him. And I definitely didn't want him to feel that way. Because I know if he, you know, questioned if I love them, I was teaching wrong message. Exactly. And I don't want you to feel like I'm judging you. Because I certainly am not. I think as parents, and I was guilty of this too, you know, in a real transparent moment, my older children are 21 and 19. And very often when you know the way to go, I know for me, I was so focused on getting my kids to go in the way that I wanted them to go. Yeah, well, they thought no really matter that much to me. And I was wrong. Yep. 100% I'm with you. 100%. But that's kind of how we were raised. And that doesn't make it right. Yeah. Right. So but you have to recognize that, you know, your kids are given to you, for you to be able to train up in a certain way. And I had to have a real honest moment with myself. Yeah, ya know, think about your relationship with your parents. Is that really what you want for your kids? Yeah. 100% I'm with rice. Like, we need a support group brah?

Kandice Whitaker: 7:54

Is ghetto out here being a parent, especially to young adults? Yeah, oh. out sometimes I'm trying to tell you what is the worst hood I've lived in. But no. On a serious note, though, that speaks to your level of maturity as an individual, being able to take that feedback from your son of, I don't know, if you really like me or love me all the time, and being able to internalize that and say, How can I be better? That speaks to your character as a person, because there are a lot of people, parents are not, who would turn that kind of feedback into why that person is wrong. They can't take feedback. So that speaks to your character as a person. And it also speaks to your heart. And that's beautiful. You know, I don't think the expectation is that any of us be perfect, right? But we need to understand, and this is part of my bell framework, right? Believe that you can accept change as a normal part of the process, inventory, what you have, and you did all of that, and then learn, like you literally did the whole thing, to be able to use resilience to improve your relationship with your son. So that's amazing. Yeah, congratulations. Thank you. Truly, truly, that is amazing. And I love your level of transparency, because it is so difficult for people, but I hate to say especially men to sometimes admit their faults and the past where they crashed and burned. Yeah. So I am so grateful that you are here and willing to speak in a in a frank discussion with us. Is this something that you talk about with people you coach? Yeah, because I want to be honest, and I talked to really all ages ago and I do you know, hospitals and drug rehabilitation centers. I really don't high school students. I don't limit who I go and talk to but

Nick Thomas: 9:59

Because for again, high schools, you never physically know if the kid in that class is going through some of the exact same things that my son had to go through. So at this point, I allow the Lord to use the negative in my past to really just help. So I'm not hiding anything anymore. Because again, I think that's one thing that I learned as a man that we do owe too much anyway, you know, just keeping everything in. So, for my family, it's probably really tough right now, because not right now, but tough in general, because I don't, I'm not hiding it, you know, the ups, the downs, the blood, sweat, and tears. You know, my mother, I have some things in a book that I talked about with her, everybody. If you've been on this journey, you've been outed for sure. Everybody can get it, I hear that. It is important just because, you know, in our community, I believe that we are taught to, especially as men to hush a lot, I went and I did a speaking event, I put one of the books in a competition. And even in that moment, you know, I thought that I have so much that I want to say need to say, and that's how I started. But even in that moment, I only had two minutes, because I'm gonna force to be shut up. And that's how I started it off. And really, that as a man, sometimes that is where we all you know, when we open up and we start to say, a thing, that's not the norm, our manhood is taken away. Oh, question, I will say that. I think that's relative. And, you know, I'll be the first person to say that I am a weirdo. Okay, come on out straight with that. I don't think that way. But I'm also aware that I think differently from a lot of people. I think it's kind of sad that men in general, take on societal roles of who they should be, and respond to that, like, why you don't have to, but that's what we're taught. So I have a cheat question that I asked, and I'm almost 100% With my answer. How many how often do you hear men say that they're free? That's true. But we walk around and we're afraid of a lot. And men we get scared, but we can't say it. We can't say it. So again, that is when you know, I talk to men and then women, and they question it not that you question it. But when they say well, I don't know if men act that we always ask that question. How many times have you heard a man tell a woman and one that he's close attracted to that? He's, I'm scared. I'm nervous. Okay, so I have a story to go with this. Okay. I have one instance in my life. This is a true story. I told you earlier, when we were talking, I went to Cuba. I went on a cruise to Cuba. Uncle Joe, please let us back in if you listen in, I'd like to go please. And thank you. I know you're talking to Russia, but Cubans dope. So I digress. Me and my father, because I took my father to Cuba with me because as a woman, I don't like traveling certain places alone. We go to this restaurant that was packed to capacity. So this very nice couple Canadians. White Lady black man, they let us sit at their table. So we're sitting there with kicking it now on the trip. My best friend was there. But she wasn't with us at the time. My dad, I brought my baby girl. And the guy said to me, have you guys ridden one of those foot cabs? Well, and Cubitus is what they have. They have like a bike. But like a little cab on the back. They haven't been New Orleans. I've seen him in New York a little bit. I was like I said to the guy. Yeah, you finna get a workout. Pull it off Kick Butts around you do this.

Kandice Whitaker: 13:37

So I think yeah, we wrote Well, yesterday was cool. They said, Well, we got robbed. That's what you mean. To this junk. What's the to this joke? Well, we negotiated a price. I was like, yeah, and the guy wrote us around the corner. And he bought us in the alley and was like, Nah, man, it was daytime. I'm sweating. So $10 More, and I said, So what do you do? So then the man, this little man, who kind of looked like you put Harry Belafonte in a dryer that look like he was like, I didn't know. So I just gave him the money. I was like, Oh, did he have a knife? No. Did he have a gun? No. Yeah. By intimidation?

Nick Thomas: 14:25

Yeah, for sure. For sure.

Kandice Whitaker: 14:28

It gets worse. He takes out to $10 more. And he only had a 20 and it took him said he watched it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I was like, I looked at his wife. I was like, ma'am, we would have broke up yesterday. Would you like that we would have broke up yesterday. Because I got girlfriends who are more about it than that. I would at least tried to break his bike or something like he just debo

Nick Thomas: 14:59

flesh. Oh, for sweat. That's the only man I'm scared story I have. So I would say that I am still 100% with my question.

Kandice Whitaker: 15:16

And even in that, he didn't actually say he was scared. That was the inference. Yeah, yeah. Um, which, so what do you do with emotions? When you are scared? And you can't say it? Or like, I know what you're saying is true. Let me be very clear for everybody listening. I know what Nick is saying about men not being able to express their emotions. That is true. But I will say this to the people listening, I believe, women, I'm talking to y'all. Actually, I take that back. People who date men pull up, I need to, I need to talk to y'all. You need to provide a safe space for your man to provide to be authentic in his emotions, you need to be a safe space. Because on the flip side of that, I've also heard folks who date men say things like, oh, I want to cry, man, if he cry too much like, well, what is he supposed to do? If he's hurt? Like, his grandma died? Like, what the hell? You know, I'm gonna tell you. And here's the truth. For me, my struggle is actually the opposite. And one of the things that I talk about a lot in the book is, is actually overcoming anger issues. So for me, my thing is not in that situation went totally different for sure. Because that's what I'm working on, I can guarantee you, we probably would have had us a free bike, if I would have been there.

Nick Thomas: 16:45

Because for me, I get an adrenaline rush, right? One of the things that I always say this and and like, I'm super respectful, I don't care your age, anything? Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. Because I make because I know my truth. I know, if I feel a weight. I'm working on not reacting. And I'm not truly where I want to be 100%. So my thing is not necessarily a fear, mine is vulnerability, right? And, and even, I'm not ashamed, because it's my truth. But I've been with my wife since 2003. My wife has only known my deepest secrets for less than three years. And, you know, it took a moment for me just to say, really, like, I don't give a damn, I gotta let it go. But as a husband, and a wife, you think about all the pressure and all the secrets and all the things and problems that are created by not being able to be vulnerable with somebody that I already had two kids with, that I laid next to every day. And I talk about this, even again, like and you just mentioned it, a lot of times we set ourselves up. And this is men and women, I feel fulfill you by this one. The one thing that we miss, especially in our community, we say, Oh too much. Stop crying like a girl. Alright. And with that, one of the things that I talk about when we do that it forces us as men, again, to keep everything in. And I say this, so now all of my childhood, my young adulthood, you told me to stop crying like a girl. So now I believe that everything should be Hush, well, and I asked this question women, what type of husbands are you raising when you told your son Stop crying like a girl all of his life? And now he gets older? And his wife is saying, How come you don't talk to me? How come? It took us 17 years in our marriage before you able to tell me your deepest secrets. And that's because I was trained to stop crying like a girl. So not I don't want to be soft, I want to be tough, because that showed mom and dad that I was who they wanted me to be. That's a lot to unpack. You know, I've heard it said that. Anger is just a socially acceptable way to express grief. And I believe that because I was a person who was angry too. And as I work on myself, work in therapy really get to the root of identifying my emotions, how I process things. I'm less angry naturally. Yeah, but as a man, right? It's more socially acceptable for you to be mad or to just blow up about things. But it's not less damaging to your body. Understand that? Yep, I'm with you. As a person who's single as a wendy's cheeseburger. You heard me say that already. That's one of the things that I actually look for in a man. And it's hard in black men in the season diaspora because I'll give you a perfect example. I had conversation with a man and literally in the first conversation because I need to know if you smoke, like here's the thing as a woman of a certain age, if you're a man of a certain age

Kandice Whitaker: 19:59

Because that, you know, we need to be a certain age, or I need to make sure you're taking care of yourself because life be life in. But you have to at least try. Smokers Need Not Apply of any type. You need not apply. Go to the gym. Yes, you got to do some stuff because we try to live long and you got to take care of your temple. First conversation brother says to me, you know, I do smoke, mainly weed, but I feel like it's getting out of hand. And I said, Have you considered therapy to really understand where that's coming from? When I tell you he went off for me? Yeah, don't be mad at me. Because you a pot head.

Nick Thomas: 20:41

No, but that's, that's the hard thing. Because that even our community and our community, we don't talk about therapy enough. We don't believe that we have to go. And, you know, we don't believe that we have some of the problems that we've had. But also that man, and this is I don't take up for men or women I talk in general and I. But for him, that is admitting something, it took a lot for him to just say, he already realized that he is dealing with something, but he don't he doesn't have the answer. So again, no different from you know, myself, which some of the things that I've done. So now, it could feel like an insult because Damn, I just told you that that I am that I'm struggling because I told you that it's out of hand. So he was vulnerable at that moment. But if he's not willing to accept the next level of growth, or not even that if he doesn't understand that there's a next level of growth, he stuck in a place and that's why he's he's he went off because he don't even know that there's out and a lot of times, we think that we have to do things just on our own. I love the way you frame that because I didn't think about it that way at all. At the time. I was just like, you know, next is whatever. And my intention definitely wasn't to be offensive. I'm a solution oriented person. So if you come to me and say this is a problem, I'm like, Listen, this is a solution. This is what's helped me, Jesus and therapy.

Kandice Whitaker: 22:04

I'm gonna put a paperclip in it right here. This has been a great conversation, we'll be back. In our virtual Happy Hour community, the party never stops follow Kandice with a K Whitaker on social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and Tiktok. Now back to the show. Hey, there happy hour lounge fam. This is Kandice with the K keeping you company with our guest host today, Nick Thomas, who is an author and life coach. And he was really transparent in our last break, talking about how he describes himself as a broken man. You kind of touched on this a little bit earlier. But why did you say you were physically and mentally drained? You know, one of the things that I think is, is super important. And I'll pose a question like who checks on the strong friend? All right, no one because I'm the strong friend, I can tell you that affirmatively. No, one. Yeah. And you know, and that is it. I believe that just holding the weight of the world, and the weight of other people, and pouring into other people. And again, I truly believe that my purpose is to make those connected to me better.

Nick Thomas: 23:28

But then again, sometimes you get tired, and you get weak. And when I started writing my first book, I had just been laid off. Alright, having a little baby, you know, Wife, Son. And again, I'm still trying to be everybody, Superman. So I'm still trying to figure out the answer and help everybody else's life to move forward when when mine is on hold. And I'm trying to figure out what I need to do next to, you know, support my own family. And it's just, it just weighs you down when you are the poor. And sometimes you feel like you aren't being poured into. Yep. So a while ago, I had a conversation with my dad. And my dad and I we don't have like heart to hearts all the time, but when we do is always a vibe. And I was telling him as the person who's always seen as the strong one. First of all, I hate that. I won't be strong, being strong as ghetto.

Kandice Whitaker: 24:26

I want to be soft. Somebody could come take in some of this at any point come, please. But also, it's like people dehumanize you. And I was telling my dad, I was really hurt. Because at the time, I'd experienced like a series of season of deaths in my family. And the guy that I was dating actually looked me in the face and said to me, I didn't think you cared that much. And I said And what made you think that? He said, Well, you just carried on? Yeah. That told you my cousin died. Yeah. And then the other cousin died. Yeah. So then I had to say to myself, Okay, so what if my behavior made it, give that appearance? And I said this to my dad, I said, That's what I had the epiphany that breaking down is a privilege. And it's a privilege that I have not been afforded here. Yeah. I love that. Yep. Because it is. Yeah, yeah. All y'all emotional people who were high needs, who spend your life passive, aggressively controlling things are still I digress. There's the flip side to that. Right. So the people who are always the go to people, the responsible people, we can't fall apart. It ain't because I'm not hurt. And it's not because I don't care is because if I really give in to how I'm feeling, I can't keep moving. And nine times out of 10 Nope. 10 times out of 10. I gotta keep moving.

Nick Thomas: 26:24

Yep. And then, you know, one of the things and even for us that are strong. Sometimes we're forced to keep moving into to not let our tails fall because we have so many people watching us so they can keep moving. Listen, I've had to tell folks, I'm not your God. Mm

Kandice Whitaker: 26:42

hmm. I'm not your God. Don't set me up that way. Yeah, don't do it. I'm human watching for sure. Hmm. So let's go back for just a second. You were talking about how you were physically and mentally drained. He was still pouring out. But how did you go about setting boundaries to restore?

Nick Thomas: 27:06

I wouldn't even say that I did. It made me randomly make decisions for me to try to reset my foundation so I can continue to help, which, which honestly, may have pushed me just, you know, further into the quicksand. And then once everybody else settled, then I can be settled and start to just move, you know, more to a new comfort. If I am honest. It's a process. Listen, you know, no judgment here. Yeah, no judgment here. Like, I definitely have just gotten to the point in my life, where I say no, I don't make excuses. Just no, is a complete sentence. Yeah, yeah. I'm with you.

Kandice Whitaker: 27:54

And and when you have set up a relationship, and it doesn't matter what kind of relationship with a person that they've come to rely on you. Sometimes when you say no, they take it personally. And then I've started paying attention to that as well. Because my thought process is like, Okay, so do you really love me? Or are you loving what I've done for you?

Nick Thomas: 28:24

I don't think people know what love is in general. So

Kandice Whitaker: 28:29

you know, small digression. I agree with you. I think that love is complicated. Earlier today, I had a conversation with my best friend. And I had a breakup and I broke it up with people before I wasn't tripping about that. It was the way it was handled. It made me question everything. Like, did you even love me at all? Yeah, because I would not handle somebody I hated the way you handled me. And I didn't even do nothing to you. Yeah. So she said just that to me. She says some people don't know how to love. And it made me think of a video that I saw Iyanla Vanzant make I love me some Miss Iyanla and she talked about how she had a relationship for a long time out 13 years with a man. And she said she broke up with him because he did not love her the way she needed to be loved or wanted to be loved or something like that. And I was like, hard time with that. I did. And I love me some Miss Iyanla, right. But I was like, first of all, it's hard enough to find a man right? It's hard enough to fire and forget a man right? I just only date men. So I'm saying man, it's hard enough to find a quality woman or quality person that you want to build your life with. But now you don't. Found a person Spend a decade with them. Right? And just for example, my love language is words of affirmation. Their love language is acts of service. I don't know, I'm just picking one. Because you don't tell me what I want to hear enough. I'm gonna drop you. That doesn't feel right to me. I don't know. And you know what we all get to make our choices in that regard. But to go back to your point of people don't really know how to love. I don't know, that doesn't seem loving to me.

Nick Thomas: 30:32

And I'll be quick. And I'll say this. And that's because even for myself, I had to learn what love is. And that's why I say you, you would think I had way more therapy than I did. But I'm just honest as I am. So I will say this for my wife, when we first I know for a fact that I did not know what unconditional love was. And because I didn't, whenever I didn't receive what I thought love was, I used to say that I was settling. So if my wife didn't do a certain thing, for me, I would I would say that I was settling. So even for my son, if my son didn't make all A's in school, I was like, Well, you know how I was in school, and this is my request from you. So how come you can't do what I'm asking you to do? You must not love me to wait it out that you that you're supposed to write for and so so that, again is a learned trait. And I'll say this, even for myself, like I've been literally working and given my parents rent money and stuff. And that was 10. All right, my mouth, I had a lawn care service, my number was 945 lawn, right? So even for myself as I grew up, and had to literally since 10, donate a pay rate to the house not donate literally. And as I grow that paid, we I never truly knew what love was at this point, especially how love is described in the Bible. So I did put conditions on my love. So if you didn't do what I asked you to do, then no, you couldn't love me. So even in your situation, okay, well, he act totally different than what you thought law was. Because obviously, he didn't have an idea of what love should be just like me putting conditions on Okay, well, you didn't cook today. And I told you, I was hungry at work, what the hell is wrong with you, you must not care about me to where I care about you. So now I'm holding a grudge against you. Because of my own thoughts. I could definitely see both sides of that. I think unconditional love. There are levels to this. I think this is my opinion. I think when you love somebody, you love them. But as you get to know them, your love changes. And that's not a bad thing.

Kandice Whitaker: 32:51

And like, as you get to know them, you'll understand that because their love language is acts of service, then cooking you dinner isn't I love you. They don't have to say, right, I believe. And the same based on no science and nothing. This is just my thought. I think unconditional love is like another level like you got to get there.

Unknown: 33:23

You got to get there. And

Kandice Whitaker: 33:27

I think the main tenant of that is to look at the person that you are in love with, really for who they are, and say look, for better or for worse. This is it. I don't think there's too many people that could actually get there. And I'm with you. You do know you all get our representative first though, correct. I hate that. I hate that saying because it's so cynical. I hate that every time I hear it. I'm like, You're not wrong. Right? I think every single person, when you meet somebody, you're always gonna put your best foot forward. But I believe if you're really paying attention, he will tell you up front who they are. Listen to 100% if you're listening, so that's always my answer to that. Oh, so you don't pay attention. Because if you pay attention they are right up front. I think the the representative is true. You want to put your best foot forward. But if you listen to Nick gonna tell you who they are. I dated a dude who told me one time two things. When he said it to me. I wasn't shocked. But I had some questions, but it ended up being what I needed to know. He told me his ex wife said he was abusive. So I said really? So do you hit women by what's up with that, like I have questions. He was like, No, whatever story he told me sounded reasonable at the time and I let it go. And I was like, okay, cool. But then the other thing that he said to me is that his mama said he's dramatic. She was right. Okay. Yeah. Your mother knows you best She is right. Yeah. I was like, you told me that right up front. Yeah. But at the time too much for sure. Yeah, I'm telling you. And that's not the only example. But that's the one that Shouts out to me in my mind immediately. Now, if you're paying attention, people tell you exactly who they are.

Nick Thomas: 35:45

You should believe

Kandice Whitaker: 35:47

that part. That part. All right, y'all. This has been a great conversation. We'll be back. So tell me, are you enjoying the show? gone ahead and rate us five stars and leave a comment. Now back to the show. And we're back in the happy hour lounge with my guest co host today, my boy, Nick Thomas, we have had an awesome conversation, man, we talked about a little bit of everything a little bit about everything about being physically and mentally drained about being a broken man, that being a strong person in your family and how Nick don't believe in love. No, you don't believe that most people can love.

Nick Thomas: 36:38

Your show. Most people don't know what love is.

Kandice Whitaker: 36:42

I need you to not be so cynical in the presence of a single

Unknown: 36:49

it's coming. I'm gonna send I'm gonna send my book to all the men in the world. And then we're gonna vet everybody and we're gonna get Whoever passes the test. And we'll we'll send it to you. Okay, perfect. Look, six foot tall football built? You know you have not because you're not we'll just put that out there. Okay, great. Okay.

Kandice Whitaker: 37:12

And actually, to be specific, not a running back, one of them big dudes in the middle.

Unknown: 37:19

Gotcha. Yep. Perfect. Great. Great. All right.

Nick Thomas: 37:26

So, about a week ago, I was checking out your IG. And I saw posted this video, which I thought was really interesting about how your expectations can be misaligned from your purpose. Yeah, I want to talk about that. You know, one of the things that I think about a lot and I asked this question, even spiritually like is, are you riding with the Lord as your passenger? Or your GPS? Right? The answer should be to GPS. So we follow his directions, we are going where he says to go. But most of the time, we have our own agenda, the story that I have for that I, again, told you early before we started that I work in the hospitality industry. And I've always knew that I was good, I knew that I will be in leadership and I everything I did, I posted, I want to be a GM by 33. I want to be a GM by 33. I want to be a GM by 33. Every new job I got that was my purpose. That was my everything. At 31. I became a GM, it was the worst experience that I've ever had in my life. I didn't pray about if I should take this position, I went into it again thinking that I can change it around knowing the success that I've had in the past. And I thought that there was it. And what I did is truly put my life on hold. Maybe two or so years, because I wanted to do this thing on my own spiritually. And I think that that's what we do in life. Sometimes we allow, especially with social media, which is sometimes full alized. And everybody gets to post a perfect picture about it. Yeah, we chase a thing, or a feeling. And what that does is it makes us think that we're not good enough. So we set this expectation for our life and his path for our life. And what it does is it just takes us further away from what we should be doing. So that is one of the things that I talk about a lot like forget everybody else, forget what you see. And you go and you take your own journey to becoming the person that you truly want to be Stop stop taking these things that you're seeing and hearing what other people are doing and judging your life based off of other people that aren't even real like for real. Yeah, social media is the TV of this day. So thick these kids are really on that like this is make believe the same real life. Yeah, for sure. For it definitely is. But that's it and you know, that was one of the things that's just super important. To me, and when I talk about it in general, I try to have everybody stay away from that like putting this extra pressure on yourself to reach the expectation instead of you just following the path that God has for you like being connected with God. And again, then things become easier because He will direct your path. Absolutely. So I want to back up for just a little bit, because the first thing that you mentioned is when you got your GM job ahead of schedule at 31, instead of 33. You said it was horrible. It was terrible. You know, how did you know from jump? Well, I didn't and you know, the things in the signs. Were there. Even when I before I started the job, I go, and I walk and kind of Snoop out before I start, and the sound was there automatically. Like I knew it, I could smell that the building had trouble because again, I've been doing this for a while. But because I had my own expectations, like damn, I'm gonna be, you know, a GM two years early, what I say in my mind is gonna be early, you know, hey, I make more money two years earlier. So I got away from,

Unknown: 41:04

you know, my purpose to take it and chase that expectation. But I knew it. And again, walking into the building. It was it was a terrible experience. But that's because I had my own expectation again, I should pray sure to pray before I even think about God before going into that position, because I felt like I had what I wanted. But you know what, you are not the only person who's guilty of that. We do that all the time. All the time. I've done it with jobs myself. I've done it with relationships myself, I've seen friends I know do it with relationships, like, Yeah, I knew when I met him, he was crazy. But he was six feet tall, and he had a good job and a good background. He did only get along with animals, not people.

Kandice Whitaker: 41:52

Work with that, you know, because on Saturdays be free. You know, so I think what you're describing, is, I don't want to say normal. I'm gonna say common in the human experience. Because as a person who's a doer, like I am just naturally a doer. The idea of praying and waiting is a challenge some tolerance thing in the world.

Unknown: 42:25

Yes. Did you hear me? I don't put my order in a couple times. Now. I'm confused. I don't understand. Yep, that is it. And then like I say, but what it does is and this comes with tears, is just pushes us further away from what we truly want to do it push us pushes us further away from happiness and joy. And then again, walking down a path where we can feel fulfilled. I know. You know, I know. But I would like to say that I'm the have done own way. Christian, but I'm not everybody know, I love Jesus and I drink and I cuss a little it is what it is on that.

Kandice Whitaker: 43:06

Right? You judge your mama. I don't care. What y'all think for real, but my point is, I end up tending to more be on the Alright, habitual way. Honest, all right. Avature way fine. Hey, um, and you're right, that does come with pain and tears sometimes. And so experience being a good teacher. I you know what grandma, say a hard hat makes us off. But I have learned in my affliction, to take a step back and say, okay, is this where I'm supposed to go? Is this where I'm supposed to be? Truly? Yeah. Yeah.

Unknown: 43:50

I'm with you. But it wasn't because I didn't get busted upside my head a couple times. There's life for sure. And we all experience it. Because life be life. And

Kandice Whitaker: 44:02

so in your process, when you had your GM job, and it wasn't what you thought it would be? What did you do to get yourself back? Did you give up on being a GM?

Nick Thomas: 44:16

So I didn't give up being a GM. The truth is, I was I was fired for being a GM. So that was it. So and that's why I say so pushed me further behind, then I had so much for regret, even after because I knew I shouldn't not have taken that position. But the reality is, it helped me to just reset and to understand that everything is not always bright light. You know, I use Las Vegas me being in the hospitality industry as the standard. And sometimes you do just have to slow down and learn more, do more and make the right decisions for your pants. So that said, I've become more patient and my journey to direction that's hard. Patience is hard. Oh yeah.

Unknown: 45:00

Yeah, what do you do while you're being patient? For those people who are listening and they're on a journey and they're trying to be patient, they're trying to wait. In those days in between what do you do, man? I write a journal, I talked to my pastor and I am vulnerable to my wife.

Nick Thomas: 45:20

Bam. Are you busy? Let me tell you. Yeah, no, but I don't I don't. You know, just like you said that the hickeys and I even mentioned this in one of the book books that Eisah made for Hickey. So it's taught me a lesson. So the first thing I'm going to say, if you don't want to wait a second, ice is made for hickeys, for sure. What are we talking about here? What does happen? If you don't listen, and if you move too fast and go 100% That you're gonna have some bruises that you don't want and you got to have the eyes yourself down. Okay, I've only heard a hickeys in a different context. That's why you got me like, wait, what?

Kandice Whitaker: 46:04

It took me a second to catch up to what was happening here. No, no, no.

Unknown: 46:12

That's why my face went light. No, no.

Kandice Whitaker: 46:16

So you have been an amazing guest. I'm so glad we had an opportunity to talk about your experiences. You have so much to bring to the table as a life coach as an encourager as a man who was willing to be open and honest about being a regular person. And so I am so grateful for your time and stopping by to visit little Oh, me and the happy hour lounge and chill with us today. So how can people reach you?

Nick Thomas: 46:45

So my website is power up online.net If you have social media, my Instagram is Nicholas and IC k o las Nicholas, the great one. And my Facebook is Nick. Power Up, Thomas. All right, y'all. Thank you so much again, Nick, for coming and visit us in the happy hour lounge. That's all for now. We're out.

Kandice Whitaker: 47:11

Wasn't that a great interview? Hold up before you grab your hat and head out. Make your way to facebook.com and join the Kandice with the K Whitaker's Facebook group. That's where you can find our free Happy Hour community, luxuriating enchanting, thank you for listening. And if you enjoyed the show, please leave a review. That's how we keep the lights on. If you're on Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, feel free to shoot me a message and say Hey, girl, hey, I'm Kandice with the K Whitaker and I would love to hear from you. And with that, I love you. And I mean, you know why? Because there are people in the world who hate for no reason I choose to love for no reason. I believe as the great Martin Luther King Jr. said pain is too great a burden to bear and I choose to love peace shall be great.