BAIL Yourself Out

Building Strong Relationships

• Kandice Whitaker • Season 3 • Episode 5

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The speakers shared insights on building resilient relationships and personal growth. They emphasized the importance of accepting change, leveraging strengths, and addressing conflicts quickly and respectfully. They also discussed the challenges of balancing financial responsibilities with personal growth and relationship dynamics, and stressed the need for trust, commitment, and mutual respect in modern relationships. Overall, the speakers emphasized the importance of self-reflection, growth, and communication in creating happy, healthy partnerships.

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Welcome to the bail yourself out Appy Hour Podcast, where each week we'll help you navigate the corporate jungle. Here's your host Kandice Whitaker is happy hour. Welcome to the bail yourself out Happy Hour pod friends. Here we focus on personal growth, career growth and entrepreneurship. Our crew is dedicated to providing you with the tools and insights necessary to turn your dreams into reality and get your money up. In each episode, we'll explore strategies rooted in the bail method of resilience, guiding you to conquer challenges and thrive and earthing. You do. I'm your host, Kandice Whitaker. And at the age of 21, I was a determined young mother who wanted to ensure my best possible life and defy the odds. So I took steps towards achieving the life I desire. I got my master's degree, then I was a sought after consultant, which led me to starting my own company, I have a passion for guiding people into the life they envision through resilience using the bail yourself out approach. So I'm happy you're here. Kick off your shoes and relax your feet. Fill up your favorite drink because the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast is about to start. Now you're listening to Kansas with a cake and together we'll learn how to bail yourself out. Be believed that you can a accept change as a natural part of any process. I inventory your strengths and the strengths available to you and your network. Now learn from your experience and the experience of others. Hey, y'all, hey, this is your girl Candace with a K hanging out with you in your bail yourself out Happy Hour lounge and today's special guests Byron and Margaret McKee. They have quickly become my friends. They also have their own pod. All right, yeah, you get to pick who goes first. What do you want the world to know about that? Thank you for having us on. We're so excited to be here. Much love to spend with you, we cheer. So thank you for having us on. Basically, we are a loving couple who were friends for five to six years. Before we define did we define who we were, I don't know, if we asked to do it. We just started hanging out every day and hanging out every day turning to GSM and other things. And then children and then marriage. So we've been married for 26 years, and learning to adjust to each other has been a journey. And we decided that we want to tell everyone how we made it, we began seeing so many people not making it for whatever reason was like, Well, you know, I'm tired of hearing all these sad stories, I want to hear some good stories. So let's encourage the so that's what we are. So that led us to creating the beyond I do podcast. And we have been doing that for a little bit over a year now. Just sharing our story. And this past season or in this past year, we decided to start to bring others on so that we could work on being the best individual in order to be the best partner. So that's what led us to Kansas with the que I love that I didn't tell our folks listening how we met, we are both in a mutual podcast group. And I don't know which one don't start me to lie. And on social media. Honestly, that was like a leap of faith because I really hadn't done it before you guys were my first folks that I didn't know before we had the conversation on your pod. And now again on my pot. But I know what you have to offer is so important. You know, there's a reason relationships is the number one content on social media period. Because I feel like you know, a part of us as human beings, everybody wants to be a part of a community, not only just your family unit community, but some sort of relationship if you're so inclined, even though our focus here is business and careers and personal development, achieving your goals, like that's what we do, you can't negate the fact that being in a relationship, having a relationship, having a healthy relationship affects your ability to be successful in whatever it is you choose to do in your life. Right. Right. But I don't think that people really understand how significant choosing a partner is, and its effect on everything else in your life. Right. Like one of the things that we kind of talked about before this is this Forbes article related to what I'm talking about. So in this Forbes article, it was about the common causes of divorce. Of course that is the end of a relationship. You know, I'm divorced, been through the process of being Being married, not being happily married. And I know what that looked like in my life. But this was really interesting to hear what other people go through. So according to the Forbes article, too much conflict and financial stress are listed as top causes of divorce. What do you think about that? So throughout the process, when we are planning content for our stuff, we have found a lot of times people go into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. Yes. And so as we were going through the article and discussing some of the points, a lot of the conflict is created, because you have these unrealistic expectations. And even if you have the best relationship ever, resolving conflict is hard. And if that foundation is not there, for the right reasons, it's hard to come together to, you know, resolve those conflicts. And then financial stress. I mean, even if you're single, financial stress can cause issues within life. So having two people to play off of doesn't need mean it makes it easier. You mentioned unrealistic expectations. Right? And I understand why you say that. And I agree. Like, I can definitely tell you when I got married, and I got married in my early 20s. Right. Know what being married was like, my examples of happily married people were on TV. Honestly, I think that I knew anybody who was like, happily married. There were people who were married, but I don't know that I would call them happy. They look like they tolerated each other. I'm serious. I don't know if it was our generation or like, what, but I came to I feel like I came to the table with I don't really know how to deal with this. And that was a huge thing for me. So I don't think I had any expectations. The conflict for me was related to shared values. Right. I don't think we had enough conversations before we actually got married. I just thought some things were understood. Like, don't we all do this? Right. Yeah. Right. I can see that. I can see how that goes. A conflict. Definitely. very family oriented. You know, I grew up around my family. I have a lot of cousins like, that was it like friends who needs friends? I have cousins, we bless cousins. You know, like, that was my friends. That was the people that you know, really spent my life with were in my marriage. My ex husband did not have that. It was just pretty much him and his family. And so he just naturally wasn't as family oriented. Like, go to the movies on Christmas. It's like what? Yeah. We did have a traditional dad for time, was it Christmas or Thanksgiving was Christmas, but it was like after dinner and things like that. We might go let's go to a movie. But that was like in the evening time. So we didn't do that before. That was foreign to me. Like we have so many cousins by the time dinner was done. First of all, it was nighttime. Right? Yeah. Then you know we did to grab bag and if you had any sort of talent, now you got to perform in front of the family excuse me, you're gonna sing somebody go play violin, like it's happening right now. In my life before therapy, and no communication skills, thought I did. The older I get, I feel like I'm communicating better. But I still like yeah, need some help. They're out for me. I didn't have any examples of what I wanted. I had some pretty good examples of what I did not want that part Exactly. In terms of communication and conflict. Because of those examples of what I did not want in our relationship. If something is wrong, if something is off, if we are not on one accord, I have to quickly get to a level of resolution. It may not be everything is settled and better. But we have to address it quickly. Because for me, based on what I was raised in if there's conflict and somebody's gonna leave, that resonates with me, I feel like and I am not putting down black people to season diaspora. I love us. I believe in telling the truth. And unfortunately, there are too many of us who have not had appropriate examples, how to communicate and or have conflict, right, and resolve it in a healthy way. Right, meaning that we can just agree, but you don't have to pop off. Right, right. Things. And the idea of winning an argument that, like you're saying things and doing things because you want to win an argument, whereas for me, that could go left real easy. Because I'm exactly tact, I'm gonna go inside myself. And that means that I need to get everybody away from me and I will use my words for that with therapy. For therapy, gene therapy, right? You can't learn say something. Okay, that is so important. Thank you for saying that. I think that is the biggest problem as a person whose mouth is lethal in 48 states. I've had to learn that mean, I knew it. But honestly, sometimes you can get me to a point where in the past Jesus in therapy, thank you, Jesus, why didn't care? And that is part of loving somebody, right? Because love verb, it is an active process. If you love somebody, you've got to really consider, okay, well, is my being right? Worth this? Or is me saying this is worth it? Or can I say this in another way? So it doesn't seem? Right, right? Because this is the point that I want to get across. But I want to make sure that I'm making the point. And I'm not just, you know, throwing daggers to try and hurt. Yeah, I think that's one of the things. And I know, it's not necessarily possible with everyone. But for one, we were friends for so long that there was this mutual like and foundation there before we went into relationship mode. But another thing is, our goal is to be together. And if the end goal is to maintain that commitment, and be together, then when something comes along, it's not about me trying to win my side of an argument. It's about me trying to communicate what's going on with me, me being open and listening to what's going on with him. And then us meeting somewhere in the middle, that may not look like okay, I got my way, this time, it may not look like he got his way, this time. It just means that we meet somewhere in the middle. And we understand that the focus is still for this relationship to be strong and to be held. back a lot of times, you know, we look at relationships from a children perspective. Your kids, you're coming up, you become a teenager, you start dating, or you're dating as a teenager, you're selfish about things. So you learn a lot of selfish behaviors you learn well, I'm gonna look out for me, I'm looking for myself. And you take that into a marriage it 2022 23 years old, just do looking out for yourself. And you eventually you learn that it's not just about me, it's about her, it's about how do we come together, and I'm going to have to chip pieces of myself away. And she's going to do the same thing, Chip pieces of our attitudes way so that we can meet in the middle, because it's all about balance at the end of the day. You know, I love that. I mean, basically what you've described is the two becoming one, right? And at the base of it is what Margaret said is the commitment like you have got to be committed to the commitment. And I also love what you said Byron about the selfish phase, it made me kind of think about this unpopular opinion, I actually feel like as a teenager, it is too young to start dating and so forth, coming from a parent. And the reason I feel that way is because of exactly what you said it is a selfish phase of your life. And you should be focused on you. Right, right. And you should be focused on figuring out what you like, what you don't like, so that you can really know yourself. So when you're ready to pick a partner, you have information about what will work for you and what won't. Right, right. Is that because when you're in the relationship process, even if you're not married, let's be honest, there is a certain level of shifting to be able to fit with that person. Yeah. Oh, are you gonna shift when you not really formed yourself? Right, right, right. And that's the time when some really horrible things can be normalized. Yeah, and you don't want those things into adult her working with teenagers, some of the things that they accept blows my mind. And they perceive it as well. He just gets upset and he cares so much. No, sweetie, that's abuse. Right? That's not a good thing. So that's a time where you begin to normalize these things. And you certainly don't want to take thoughts like that into your adult life, when you begin dating, as an adult, one of the things that I feel has been a big shift for us is, through therapy, learning to be more vulnerable. And to let those walls down to trust more. And for me, that has been a big shift, because I have held these walls and tried to protect myself as as we do. And that's human nature, you try to protect yourself from being hurt. But that also protects yourself. prevented, nothing can get in it prevents. That's right, it prevents the good from getting in also. And so just being vulnerable, and understanding that if the goal is for our relationship to work, if he says something, or does something that hurts my feelings, or that makes me angry, we'll work through it. Because the goal is for the relationship to work. He didn't mean any harm. Or maybe I need to listen to what he's saying without the emotions because he might be telling the truth about me. And I need to listen without the emotions. But if I know that the goal is for our relationship, to work and to be happy and healthy, and that that's his goal also, then it makes it easier to be vulnerable. And to let those walls want to try to create a win for both in that individual and and I think people are looking for that individual win level and this balance sheet, right? So it needs to be a win win for both. When is never one your partner is collateral damage. Right. So that's a great place to take a break. I'm going to put a paper clip in it. We'll be back. What do you want to talk about? You have a show idea. Drop Candice alive at self help.com. Do you want me to speak at your next event? bail yourself out pod.com. Now back to the show. All right, y'all, we are back in the bail yourself out Happy Hour lounge with our guest co host today. My friends Margaret and Byron from the beyond I do podcast, when we were talking about relationships, our conversation was related to a Forbes article around divorce, which of course, is the end of the relationship. But we want to talk about how to prevent that, right? Because we're about encouraging we're about living the life you want. I know that I have a very different worldview than most people, right, because I was a person who grew up in my house, I went to college, got married. I was with the same person for 20 years. And then I got divorced. And then I came back into the dating world 20 years later, after having married my second boyfriend. And so and nothing in terms of dating tips, what I should be looking for how I should be vetting a potential partner. I just knew that I wanted to be in a happy relationship because I understand when you are in a relationship if you want to be right, and it is happy, it brings life to you. You get so much energy and so much strength when y'all have a vibe there is nothing like it. Don't let nobody tell you being married is terrible. They ain't doing it. Right. Absolutely. The flip side, I also know what it's like for things to be bad. And I tend to be a very organized person and I contemplate I think about things a lot. I kind of in my mind came up with a template related to wedding dating, because things are just not like they were back in the day it would be like we meet okay, we went out maybe we go together. And then you date it you're single until you're engaged in decide to do something else. Now they have all these stages. It is like what in my mind. One of the things that you said in the last break. You were talking about Margaret, putting down your wall and trust, right? And I'm relating that to the phases of dating because I feel like that's a phased you got to work towards that. Right, yes, right, right. So, in my mind that first date phase is something like you meet. And then you got to see if they check your main boxes. Meaning, you know, if employment a certain employment certain income is important to you certain look, just your main boxes, can you live with this person? But then the next level is soft skills to me, Can they communicate? Can they resolve conflict? Right? Are they controlling? Right? Do they not take accountability? After like, this is almost like a watching stage, like just see how they move in the world? Definitely. And then once you decide all of that, then maybe you can make more permanent steps or whatever. Right. So, that's what I think. But I don't know, what do y'all think about that? We have to remember that each individual is their own particular self. And although you may see some things that you may not desire in the beginning, but you have to look at, okay, we have changed throughout the years that we have been married, you know, my mind doesn't think like I did it 23. Now, you know, right, right. Yes. And, you know, so handling a situation at 23 may be different than 48. So that, you know, there shouldn't be so little for growth, but it's just how long do you want to be there for that growth to happen? Growth is relative, when you're 23. Like, for example, let's say, you know, your man is going to college, and you want somebody with a college degree, or you want somebody who's a tradesman, right, somebody who has some sort of credentials, where they can make a decent living. Grow with that, because clearly, this man has set out on a path. And he knows where he's going. Right. However, comma, I feel like I've seen so many people make mistakes, where they feel like they're waiting for somebody to grow. Mm hmm. They set out on a path they haven't picked which way they're gonna go yet. You can't change somebody. Right? I feel like that is the differentiating factor. But I could totally be wrong. That's just my opinion. You're definitely right. There was a an episode of Oprah. And I can't remember who the guest was. But one point, they said, you'd never go into a relationship with someone for their potential? Well, well, I do say potential has an expiration, you need to have potential. I already said it's hard for us to because at 23, he was married with a child. And so our decision making then was still different from the average 23 year old who was not in that situation. And so for us, it came with in order for the relationship at that point, which was a marriage to last, there had to be commitment, there had to be give and take. And so that would probably look different for someone who is dating at 23. Versus we're already in a committed marriage. In that second tear that you're talking about, and you're talking about being accountable and responsible for your actions, can you resolve conflict, those types of things, that I think you have the ability to be accountable, and within that ability, you grow? But if you do not hold yourself accountable at 23, you're probably not going to at 33 you say? So? Right? Right. So those basic things should be in place, and then you allow growth from there. So yes, you hold yourself accountable halfway, okay, your grow into, you know, being able to do that better as you get older, versus you're still pointing fingers at everyone else. That's probably just you. I used to say, you know, you see little kids that do stuff and I'm like, What a boy asshole. But grown up assholes come from somewhere. Yeah, they do. Nobody called them out their weapons or something. Or either they it's just ingrained in them and that's just what they were gonna be. And I think that's where you trust your instincts. And that's where you have to get to know yourself. I think that one thing people, they're looking at the superficial outside I tried qualities in people and trying to pick a partner and not focusing on the inside stuff. But sometimes that's because they haven't focused on their inside stuff. Either. That part, I mean, it's easier to focus on the outside when you haven't focused on your inside either. Right. And people don't really talk about this in relation to women, but we definitely do it as much as men pick beautiful men, by men, and attribute that as some sort of boost to your self esteem. Yes, right. Right. We all do it all day long. I back to him. Yeah, like, and then what part of it too as a woman is you're looking going if I procreate with this, me? Oh, well made sure that my kids are cute. Yeah, you definitely need to have good tea. In you have those thoughts as well. So a lot of self reflection and self growth has to take place also, that we're fortunate enough that, you know, we were young when we got together. And we've gone through these changes together. And so I'm thankful that as I've gone through my growth, and dealt with this childhood trauma and things like that, I'm thankful that I have a partner who not only supported me, through all of that, but decided chose to stay there with me as I work through those things. Because sometimes he ended up catching the brunt of things that had nothing to do with him. And then vice versa. I remember him telling me one time, we were probably mid 20s. At this point, we, I think I was pregnant with our second child. And he had done something very stupid, and getting on to him about it. And he said, I'm just learning. No one's teaching me how to be a man. And I'm like, Well, I don't have how to be a woman classes Eve, like, What are you talking about? Like we're, but I would felt sorry for him. But like, but I knew what he meant. I'm still here. I mean, the relationship had to be the most important entity between us. It, I'm not gonna let me or him mess up this relationship. I love that. And at the end of the day, I don't think people enough really commit to the idea of Yo, this is my person, unless they're abusive, right or whatever. There you go. I mean, unless they're abusive, then that's different. But like, you really have got to commit, I have a friend who is a pastor who says marriage is a ministry. And I didn't get it when she first said it. But 100% is like, you definitely need to be committed to the idea that this is my person. You know, we think about this in relation to corporate and we talk about this in relation to business all the time. When you're a team, right? It's you go through the storming. So in the beginning, when you're first getting together, it's going to be held, because you're not used to each other. And then there's norming. Okay, I see how you move, you go this way I go that way you live, whether you rock with it, and then you get to the performing. I believe any relationship is that way, as well. And I don't think we really do enough education on hey, there is that storming, norming performing thing in interpersonal relationships as well. Right, right, right. You know, the site, there's no I in team, we have to put that team first, we put that in front. So what if, what if you pick somebody based on their shoulders and their pecs when they don't have shoulders and pecks no more? Right? You're not that committed, right? And realizing that those shoulders and pigs are going to go down at some point. That part you have to understand what's going to be more important shoulders and the pigs or gentleman will pay the power bill when you need them to locate him to go pick up kids from daycare we need to look at is he going to be nice to you? That's our normal human being. You know, my thought process related to anybody in my life relationships, who I want to be with, it's like, here's my litmus test. When we old and sitting on the front porch, is this somebody I want to talk to? Right, right. But can you keep up a good conversation? Are you genuinely a nice person? Are you caring Are you helpful? So our thing is, like over love. Yep, exactly. The love part is easy. It's the like that It makes you stay. I love that. And we have, we have some common things that we enjoy, we enjoy music, we enjoy cars, I admire him as a friend, we have a friendship. So the things that he's into that I'm not into, I'm still interested in him and his interest and vice versa. So that to me is the key is making sure you're fostering that friendship and that light. And it helps also that when you're in a relationship, that you have interests, they have interests. Even if you're not too particular, you don't hear about them per se, but you entertained them with their interests, at least, you know, try to entertain. Fellows might not like the opera, but if she likes to opera, go to the bank opera once in a while, I'm not telling you got to go every time but you know, at least give it a shot. But some people are like now like that I don't know where they're at. And it's like, Come on, man. I literally told my dude, I have watched more sports center in the last several months than I've seen in my life. Because you like him, and you want to show him that that mutual respect. And then when it's time for you to watch the foreign films, and he has to read an example of how we changed our lives. In the beginning, I could care less about sports, I wasn't a sports lover. But now I have to see my Falcons player for Sunday, even though we lose half the Sundays. And with me if I know, sometimes when we're working in ship takes me blind the game zone. So I mean, we've evolved in time. So our interests have changed over the years. And we've learned to adapt with each other as well. I love that. So to summarize what you guys have been saying it sounds like to have a strong relationship, you have to go through changes together, you got to be committed to a relationship, do your personal work is work on yourself as an individual and foster your friendship. And that is a great place to take a break. Keep it where you got it. In our virtual happy hour, the party never stops doing your best yourself outburst will co workers on Facebook, Instagram and Tiktok. Now back to the show. Alright, y'all friends, we are back in the bail yourself out Happy Hour lounge with my friends Byron and Margaret from the beyond I do podcast, we have had a phenomenal conversation, talking about relationships and how they affect your life. Because remember, in order to be effective in your career, or in your business, your personal life got to be on point. So our relationships are included in our personal life. I want to go back to the Forbes article for just a second. According to the Forbes article, financial security is the top reason for getting married. And that bugged me out because this is a recent article, right? So in the age of the independent woman, I got my own ends, I got my own bends. We still thinking like that. What do you think I can see it? Because you know, when you look at social media, everybody is you know, you'll see the ads on Instagram, you know, why are you not doing real estate? Why are you not invested in this? Why are you not doing this and everybody's trying to motivate each other to be brave, and I get it. And that's a good thing. Horses to independence, you know, do everything. You can start a business, you can do this. And there's this drive. And of course, everybody wants financial security. But I have to ask people, What does financial security look like to you? At the end of the day? Because it looks different for everyone else? So you know, is it the bills paid? Is it you want a nice house? Or do you want to travel all the time? What is this financial security look like to you? That's what we need to get down to the basis of and then you can look for go on from there. It shouldn't be the reason for choosing a partner. And one thing that stuck out to me when I was going through the article is that the article is surveying divorced couples have this high percentage of people who said that was their motivating force. So clearly it's not a good motivating force that clearly are divorced individuals. And I have said for the past year or so with this the rise and it since the pandemic really that rise in this hustle mentality in this independent the boss B mentality that a lot of these younger women have but then the second same time, they're saying, I need a six figure man and I need this. Like, if you're independent, then why do you need the six figure man pay all your bills like that, in and of itself is confusing? I think I can answer that question. Because two things can be true. I will give my opinion on this. I don't think marrying somebody from financial security is right. But I have a different reason. Remember, I told you I grew up seeing not a lot of happily married people? Well, the ones I did see who were married, if the man was paying for everything he didn't show let everybody know that he was right. And as a child, that's when I decided I'm never going to allow somebody to do that to me. Because as a child, I thought that was humiliating. I'm pretty sure from a man's perspective, like he was like, I'm the man I'm providing. And don't get me wrong, okay, whatever. But I will never understand that. And I literally said to myself, as a child, like, I will never be in a position where I'm depending on another person, for my livelihood. Hear it? Because I never saw that workout Well, right. So there's that. But also, as a woman who's a high earner, right? Initially, I told you, when I started dating, again, I didn't have the rule of they need to earn six figures. Because I don't feel a way about how much a man earns my thought process is this, you need to be able to take care of yourself, you need to be able to be secure in yourself. And you need to be okay with the fact that I'm going to be doing what I'm doing. So I got money to go on trips, you ain't got no trip money. Okay, so you want to get back. No coins for natural. Let's see, you see how that's problematic. Why I had to come up with the rule, like we need to be more on the same par financially, because it causes a lot of problems and that there's a perfect example, beside of it as well is there are not, I don't care what nobody says there's really only two types of men that earn less than you. There's the ones who are looking for a come up. They can wear your couch out while you work in and spend your money. I ain't got time, Legion. No, Legion, or there's the other ones, oh, they make less than you. But it actually kills them inside. And they're not going to say anything. But then there'll be kind of low key angry, and you don't know why. And so since my number one goal is companionship and a peaceful life, we're not compatible. And say that's there, again, our perception of things are different, because when we came together, we were young, and neither of us had a PSN, or went on to throw it out of reference, I bet. All right. So 625 now, and, and, you know, now I make over 100,000 a year, but it took, you know, some years to get there, you know, in the idea of the provider. So we when we had kids, there were times when I stayed home. So we only had his income. And it was a struggle for me, especially the first time around because of the idea of not being able to take care of myself. And it had to click for me. And it came from him, telling me this is what we have, this is our money. This is not mine or yours. I had access to everything. In fact, our bank account was in my name. And he was like the secondary user. And that that was in place. So that to give me a level of comfort. So I think that if you have problems after years of being together and trusting, right, well that Well, years of friendship, and then getting married, and so but that was his way of giving me power in that situation also, so that I didn't feel pet so if you have a partner that's willing to listen to the issues or the concerns that you have and then willing to change behavior to help you throw that that helps. No, that's special. Byron you kudos to you for that because there are a lot of men who, when they are in the soap deposition, they don't know how to act, right? I mean, that's the truth. Well, I know for me, I saw the example because I saw when I would go to the bank with my dad. And even the time when my mom was working his name, and her name was still on the checkbook. And he would write checks for school. Dad was amazing. I just knew. To me that was, you know, that makes sense. You know, we put all our money together, and then it was all goes in one pot. And I know, that didn't work for some people. And I know that may not work in a situation where you're just meeting an individual good. Oh, at some point, right. You know, I'm saying like, you know, not to say that you combine all your money. But you know, you gotta at least have one party that you both have access to where you can kind of transparent, transparent, right, this is what we're doing what we're doing. But it takes a lot of learning to get there. It can shout out to black dads, come on, man, shout out to black dads, it is important to have the example and it is important to have the positive example and I love that. And I love that you were able to see that she didn't 100% feel comfortable with that and understand how she felt well, first of all, you saw her. Right, right. She saw her and listened and responded, yes, huge. And I never saw my dad lord it over my mom, my mom had the better car was coming up. She had whatever she wanted. So I was like, Well, I knew I was going to try to beat her work. And she's gonna have a nice car. Expect even when I was sitting at home with kids, and the nice car was sitting at home while driving a beater to work. Me but as a man, right? You're like my wife and my kids got a good vehicle, they drive into Sanford son from China grocery store. Breaking down on the way. Right? Right. Our perspective is a little bit different. But the main focus should be when you are deciding on a commitment with a person for potentially the rest of your life. It should be I love this person, I like this person, I think I want to make this work. And the other stuff, those are things that you work through together. So like he said, when we got married, I wasn't working, he was making 625 an hour, and we had our little apartment, we thought we was good and grown. But I stayed home I you know, took care of our sons. But the goal was we're married, we are going to work on our relationship and stay together. And as we've grown, throughout the years, we've had shifts in thinking we've had changes in circumstances, but the underlying foundation is still our relationship comes first. And we're going to make sure that that's intact. And whatever comes against us from the outside, whatever I throw in there, whatever he throws in there, you know, we work through those things for the relationship. So it sounds like you're saying that there's a certain aspect of selflessness in this definitely is that's the constant theme of pretty much everything you guys have said yesterday, and that was hard for me. I think that's hard for anybody. You know, I think that's and you have to be an adult, you have to have some emotional maturity to be able to do okay to be able to see the bigger picture. Sometimes even if you don't understand it, you just sometimes you just have to go with the flow, right? It may not make sense to you right now. But sometimes just go with the flow and say, Hey, or sometimes you can teach a lesson and just, you know, even if she thinks, well, we need to do this, and I'm like, That ain't gonna work. That ain't gonna work. Well, I think we need to do it. Okay, let's do it. Then. I want you to see how it's gonna work out. And then I said, I told you fat meat is breezy, trying to tell you, I told you so. I tried to tell you fat meat is crazy. Stop playing with me. What advice would you guys give to someone who's considering marriage? You gotta like them? Right? I heard you say that. Definitely. That, to me is the most important because, you know, you think about it, there are people in your life that you love, but you don't want to see him every day. Go and talk to him. Mr. So definitely work on the like and work on creating that friendship and that mutual respect, but I think it would be a good idea in today's days of manifesting is create a vision board together. See what you know, what are your desires in this relationship? And what are your desired relationship and you're looking at it and you know, adjust make some adjustments so that way you can kind of see okay, well, this is more important to him. This is more important. ame kind of, you know, just as these others liking, and then you can make plans for the future and execute those goals. I think a vision board will help see it more so than, you know, a discussion, so to speak. We did one at for the new year. And we had this huge piece of cardboard, we've gotten a TV and this huge piece of cardboard came in, and I thought, well, that would be perfect for that. So he worked on one in, I worked on the other, I had magazines and all these things. And we work towards the middle together. And once it was done, we could sit and look and see some of the same things that we had picked out separately. And so that creates the you have the shared vision, you have these shared goals that you're working towards. And like he said, as a visual reminder of those things. You can slide stuff in, she may not agree with it now, but this board. You bring up an interesting point, when you gave the vision board idea, Byron, it made me think of there's this popular notion that's going around social media, where I feel like people don't have tolerance for differences. And I personally, don't think that affects compatibility, per se. I'm just kind of curious to see what you guys think about that. Like, for example, if you like monster trucks, and I like going to the ballet, I don't know, I just pick two random things. People can have their own separate interests. Right? I don't know. That's how I feel. But how do y'all feel about that? Do you think it's a non starter? Do you think that says, we like different things that like everything, right, you're not gonna like the same everything. And that's what adds to like he said, with sports, we sit down now, when we watch sports together, I wasn't going to be the one to initiate that. But that was you know, there was a we went to a game together like that still us spending time together. He works on he loves working on cars, I'll go out there sometimes and sit while he's working I crochet. And so I'll take my yarn and I'll sit and crochet while he's working on a car. That's that time that we're sharing are one of the things too is in the beginning. Like I meet somebody on the motorcycle I was a man I did the man thing and I just brought the damn thing home, right. And she just looked at me and she was okay. So you know, that road and road got used to the guy used to it. And eventually she got on it with me. And we wrapped together and that's our pastime, you know, she was amused go, we'll go cruise around around the country, somebody and cruise around the country. And that's our time together. So I mean, it is about you can share time together in those spaces, even if it's not an interest of yours. And that more than anything, and let your partner know, I respect you. And I love that you love this. I respect you enough to spend time with you. And then your partner sees it. As you know, she sacrificed this time to spend time with me doing this. So now I'm gonna do the same for her right? And even like with the car thing, there are times when I sit out there and he's getting frustrated with things. I don't have no clue whatsoever. He'll talk through the steps. And I might ask, Well, did you try this one? Well, what does this one do? Or I'll get on the phone and I'll start Googling things. So I don't know what I'm doing. So I had no clue but it's something right so just appreciating the time spent together more so than anything not necessarily the activity you the sample you mentioned what harm does it do if I go to a monster truck show and that's not my thing that's his thing. And don't do me harm you know, even if you're going to see a comedian that you don't care for because no one seems to me that I don't care for Can I get some popcorn gonna get to get to where you want to go see what I mean. So it's give and take there's compromise. make it worth my while I love it and you guys ability to be able to see each other and respond in such a beautiful way is a testament to why you guys have been together so long. Thank you so much. My guess why Rita Margaret from the beyond I do podcast tell people how they can get in touch with you. So we have WWW dot beyond I do podcast.com is our website. We are on Facebook. Yeah, and I do podcast, Instagram, YouTube, the beyond do podcast and also tick tock Thank you for listening and we out Wasn't that a great interview pulled up before you grab your hat and head out make sure you make your way to facebook and join the bail yourself out pod Facebook group. That's where you'll find your virtual co workers luxuriating and chatting. Thank you so much for listening. And if you enjoy the show, please leave a review that's how we keep the lights on. If you're on social media follow your girl Candace with a K Whitaker. And you know what, I'd love to hear from you. With that. I love you and I mean it because there are people who hate in the world for no reason I choose to love for no reason. I believe that the great Martin Luther King Jr. said hate is too great a burden to bear so I choose to love he show up

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